This is, in fact, the longest I have ever went between blog posts since I was in junior high or before. (Yes, I had an angel fire page) It's actually quite depressing for me, as it has been over 6 months. 6 months lost (or found on instagram) - and the train has slowed to a pretty long stop.
There is one reason, and that is time. Time. September is about the time Lucia started moving, and I took on some work to bring in cash and any free time was sucked right out of me. I showered less. I read less. and I blogged less.
I also think I got burned along the way. I know it comes with the territory. Oversharing allows others to overshare their opinions on your life and how you portray it. You have to know that going in. I constantly felt pushed (mainly by myself) to address these issues within every post.
"Here's a picture of my living room. No, it doesn't always look like this. No, half the time my son is throwing toys at the cat and Lucia is only in a diaper and I literally never wash my hair."
It's exhausting. The truth is, I love beautiful things. I love taking pictures. I love when they look beautiful.
No, everything outside of that frame is probably UTTER CHAOS, only to get MORE CHAOTIC as MORE CHILDREN enter our family life. But, in that moment, in that frame, something was beautiful.
I also felt constant tension in how I wanted my voice to sound. My online voice. Especially in the arena of spiritually. This is so silly, but I started being super concerned with all my friends in different corners of the church.
I didn't want to be judged? Or... maybe more, misunderstood.
I didn't want to be misunderstood. (this happened a lot with my mom. I'd write a deep post, and my mother would text me, "are you depressed?!)
I suppose, in the midst of it all I have to write in my blog the way I have done for years before - as if LITERALLY NO ONE READS IT. And maybe they don't. Or won't. Or do. But regardless, that's has to be my motivation. I have to write with that bravery and guts. I have to be reckless and free.
If not, there is on point.
I blog to read my thoughts. I blog to create something. I blog to find the beauty in the mundane.
All of this is coming out of many conversations with Ricky about what it is I feel I was made to do: beyond be a wife, and a mom, and a designer. Even when I consider jumping back into some form of ministry, what always arises within me - and what I always settle on is this: "Ricky, I think I'm suppose to blog."
Honestly, even typing it something within my comes alive. It's almost slightly embarrassing. I just LOVE documenting life. I LOVE writing my heart. and I LOVE LOVE LOVE vulnerability. The brave, gutsy, reckless, free kind.
Anyways, here's to a commitment. A commitment to do what I love to do. To over sharing. To the hard comments that make you think. To the community blogging brings. To beautiful spaces. To portraits. And whatever else happens in the next couple years that ends up on here.
So to no one but myself, I think I'm back from the .com dead.
INSPIRED BY THIS DOCUMENTARY