to build again.

hello small child
Hair too thick for her head
Eyes too big for her surroundings
Hands too prone to cling

Born in iniquity
Shrouded under shame
As all children are
Burdened by the world

Conditioned by a hidden force
To build her own castle
Walls high, base deep
10 feet thick

Standing in the tower
Always going from a whisper to a scream
“You come in!”
“You stay out.”

Safety in control
Or so she believes
Small child
Reasoning too small for the opposition

in
breaks
Love

With a gust a wind
Swirling, whirling came a song
She heard it from the heights
drowning her voice in its force

Where did it come from?
Where did it go?
In silence she stood
Small child, holding on to pillars tight

brick by brick, piece by piece
Her fortress blew away
Stones blazing past her
Burning and blowing and gone

she fell from her height,
To the ground below
so exposed, so afraid, so
Out of control

In the distance stood one
Lone brick
Aflame, alight, ablaze
Life radiating

Upon it was inscribed
“Cornerstone”
and from its words
came a Man

His eyes white like the center of
A fire and from His
Mouth came a song
Warmth and strength and power

“Shall I build for you?”
He asked, His words coating her
Small, cold frame
She nods.

and up
builds
Love

a House that is Home.

God of gods.
King of kings.
Totally other than - greater than.
Giant among giants - You are.

from Your mouth - came winds of life,
swirling, swirling, hovering, making.
from Your hand - came help to the
weary, worn enemy. opposed. heart like grey stone.

we said help, there You were.
Your light scared away the shadows.
Your light, beams of love, foreign to me.
in that light was Home. You were Home.

day after day I search the rooms of who You are.
unstoppable expansion of what to Know.
unimaginable extension of what to Taste.
undeniable power radiating these Walls.

doors leading to gardens leading to You and I.
Your heart this House. Your face this Man waiting for me
so kindly on the bench of ivy.
You are Him, and He is You - but not.
but yes.

This mystery, it's what brick by brick
built where I find myself.

I scream, just to see how the sound echoes back.

Soundwaves transformed into song.

You sing over me. You take the ashes still lingering on my skin
from the lesser flames of this world.
the kind that char flesh. not like Yours.

from within Your Fires come purified love.

You are even making the mess from before into something beautiful.

I'm here, but there.
I'm in You - your walls stopping the wind,
but You send me out
as you dwell Within.

We are here, but there, but not.

Let's stay together, You in me, I in You,
forever.
Fused together, dreaming, doing, extending this kingdom
You are bringing, that which is Here.

You've won, yet You're winning, yet You'll win.
It's over yet it's not - and I'm in it for the long haul.

You in me, I in you,
forever.

Awakening - Part 1

I awake on my bed, the covers heavy upon me like 50 feet of ocean on top. Some might feel the weight as crushing, but it feels comfortable to my frame - the way a warm bath hugs a weary body. The air outside still cold from the winter wailing. That's what this town calls it - as if the mountains are crying for spring to come. Walls in my room are brick and they welcome in the outside wind as one would welcome in an weary old friend. "Oh, come shelter yourself from the night, bitter wind. Find solace here," the walls utter. I get angry at them, for a moment, as I lie betwixt alertness and dreaming. Then I remember they are only walls, built by the hands of men.

I look at the small glowing space in the door frame that's appearance drew me out of sleep. I fumble out of bed, and my feet hit the floor. I'm not sure who turned the light on so early in the morning, or perhaps so late in the night. Though I'm a grown woman, the eeriness of an empty room - and the single lit lightbulb still causes me to exit my bedroom slowly. 

While looking around, I'm confronted with the swirl of worries that wrapped me so tightly the night before. I often find myself unwinding them as they creep around my heart, even my lungs, like a rapidly growing vine. Sleep can be a sweet escape - until day break comes. Often the prayers, uttered under the breath, while washing dishes or brushing little teeth unwind them as well. Not always. I wonder if it's because the roots are not on the outside, but from within. 

While sifting through thoughts and checking the doors, I notice the door to the back has a small note on it. 

"The mountains are calling. Come quickly."

The note is small, and the handwriting rough. I rip it off and look around. Who wrote this? How did they know those words?

a mother's musings.

today while working on my little computer screen a preview for a little boy's movie came on and my heart exploded and my eyes welled up because to mother a son is a glorious thing watching bravery be unearthed from within and an understanding of a God above him hover down into his ever-growing heart i am she who housed his frame as it grew and grew and grew a little baby full of fat and promise and i sustained him by my breast yet slowly he grew and ran faster than i could keep up climbing ladders and jumping off cliffs or so he thought while sailing from the kitchen chair to the ground below swimming under the blankets that hover as a deep sea diver exploring and learning what it means to be a man and i cuddle him to set him free into a world that needs men real men who don't give up or give in who love violently and fiercely and create the things we have only dreamed who cry out to God, and bend down to hold the hand of the violated and poor so today i celebrate the thrilling and heart wrenching uphill climb of a boy becoming a man and a mother calling forth the fullness of what that will be.

sleeping under contrast.

awoke to the foot of my bed

illuminated like a sparkler against the holiday night sky
like eyes of a cat, caught in the beam of headlights
like a burning bush, crackling and throwing away it’s spark
           without losing flame

i’m still the same girl, from long ago, in a body stretched and worn
from time, circumstance, small bodies - with small fingers and toes

 i’m still the same woman, curled up under vacant ceilings and barren walls
inwardly reclining into the only Comfort that remains

eyes like glass, like mirrors, reflecting the flashing light
prisms - always moving to and fro, like empty bowls filling up
         fill me up, Oh Ancient glory, let me overflow

puppetry upon the wall, shadows of myself basking in the light of You
here I am fixated. longing. still inwardly screaming to let You burn me.

let me reach these tired arms out, out, into the high degree of Love
that i’m charred, ruined, marked

 always awake.

grand Mystery, making known, to myself, in the moments stretched between awake and asleep
a soul at rest, and You sing to me, from within the Fire, from within the Flame

You are concrete, that I’ll settle my feet into

You are flesh and bone, that I’ll let my tears fall onto

You are radiating light, that I’ll fall down upon
          because I’d rather burn with You
          and be illuminated
           than live a thousand days ruling my own kingdom from a dark, crumbling castle.

 Wake me up again, O Giver of Life. Wake me up again.

ezekiel cruz valdez [birth story]

so much of this story begins the days leading up to it. i feel as if this birth was covered with so much goodness from the Lord, from start to finish. Of course all births are, but this one had a sweetness to it.

much of the last phase of my pregnancy was very comfortable. even as i hit 40 weeks i was full of energy, and incredibly peaceful. it was almost a peaceful oblivion. Though we didn't know the gender, somewhere in my 39th week the Lord woke me up in the night and spoke very clearly that I would have a son and to name him Ezekiel Cruz. Ricky had already been very passionate about this name, and also was very confident it was a boy. I needed God to speak it to me - and He did with such clarity.

throughout the days before i was having contractions (is it fair to call them that? maybe slightly cramps), though incredibly mild and only slightly uncomfortable. we walked every day - usually morning and night, and they would come and go with no consistency. sometimes i would have to stop to catch my breath, but for the most part i carried on as usual.

on saturday, i had hit 41 weeks. i had a couple signs of oncoming labor, but, as with everything in this birth, was holding it all very loosely. perhaps it would be tonight, perhaps not. we had spent the morning at Amos' baseball practice. My mother had flown in the night before, and decided to go to ikea in the evening to do some more walking. we walked around and the cramping picked up - but was incredibly mild.

by the time we got home i knew that if i continued to move around labor would pick up, but decided to try and rest and let my mom and Ricky rest too. i wanted the kids to go to bed and i wanted to see if i could get any sleep in. by this point i was pretty sure labor would come as soon as i woke up.

i went to sleep around 11 - having mild, mild contractions (cramping?) maybe every 15 minutes. maybe more outstretched. i didn't time them. i was in and out of sleep, awaking here and there for a contraction - and i would just imagine (as silly as this sounds) lucia stepping on my belly and me asking her to please move, it was uncomfortable for mommy and being patient as she took her time to move. I have no idea where this visualization came from - but it helped with the patience aspect and for me to view the discomfort as any normal daily discomfort.

around 3, i woke up and knew i was too restless to go back to sleep but not very comfortable taking on the contractions lying down. i got up to take a bath, which was a quick ordeal because i still felt too restless to sit there for any amount of time. everyone was still sleeping, and ricky had moved to the couch sometime throughout the night because he couldn't sleep well. he was too much on alert to go into any deep sleep.

around 3:30, or 3:45 i finally decided to walk down the hall to where ricky was and let him know they were picking up - i think i began vocalizing a little through the contractions and i timed them to see they were about 10 minutes apart. i asked him to call his parents to just be on guard (they were going to stay with the kids) but they were still too far apart to come, and i also called my midwife to let her know labor had started. i was talking in between, and at some point started hanging around ricky's neck swaying back and forth through each.

over the next 30 minutes i did some last minute stuff - threw some extra items into the bag, brushed my teeth, etc. i asked ricky to load the car for when we were ready to go. i basically followed him around so i would have him for the contraction. by 4:15, my contractions picked up pretty intensely and i told him he better call his parents to come and tell the midwife we needed to head over. they were 6 minutes apart, maybe, and painful - though seemed incredibly mild to me (and short) - though they were about a minute and a half long. my gauge is pitocin contractions, and these were so mild and manageable i was pretty unaware that i was probably in the most intense part of labor.

by 4:40 his parents pulled up and i ran down the steps, went through a contraction in the front yard, and leapt into the car. the ride is only around 12 minutes or so, and i cried a little in the beginning saying, "oh i really don't want to do this in the car" and felt a little weepy - i had 3 on top of each other, and started shaking - so i am pretty sure i transitioned during the commute.

as we turned our last corner i said pretty loudly, "i think i need to push!" and ricky parked right in front of the center. thankfully, my midwife was waiting out front and said, "i started filling the birth tub upstairs." i literally (NO JOKE) ran up the stairs, stood and had one contraction in the bathroom, ricky came up, i sat on the birth ball in between (thinking that would help), but as soon as I had another one, i stood up at the side of the birth tub and said, "i need to push." the bath was filling up, so i was waiting for permission to get in. i pushed a little during that contraction and then climbed in, sat down and had 3 more contractions. the first one the head came out, and 2 more and he was under the water.

i am so thankful my mom caught this moment. it was in between my only two contractions outside of the birthing tub.

they pulled the baby up and i cried asking what it was. i saw he was a boy, and it was a very matter of fact reaction in my head, "yes, of course it is." and i pulled him to my chest and started crying saying, "THAT WAS SO EASY!!!!"

a blurry moment. so grateful she caught this too. holding little ezekiel for the first time!

i laugh now, looking back. natural births are suppose to make us feel so strong and empowered. to be honest, my other births proved so much more strength to me. they were much more painful and took way more endurance - both physically and emotionally.

this one came and went with such grace. i had, what seemed to be, only 15 or so painful contractions. and even then the pain was about a 7 or so compared to the 10 of pitocin induced contractions. my body just did something - and i had little say in it. it was 2 hours from real start to finish. 2 minutes later, i would have pushed him out in the car. 2 days earlier my mom would have missed the entire event.

i truly believe this birth was God's testament to me of His grace. there is nothing i did in particular that earned me a quick birth. i strived less within this pregnancy and birth and it resulted in the most favorable outcome. it was a pure gift. i held the birth so loosely, set super low expectations, and was given a better birth than i could ever imagine. it was truly, truly a Father pouring out kindness. i believe it was ushered in by a community that prayed so fervently for me and stood by me asking for the birth i had always wanted. i didn't even have enough in me to fight for it, but there were those that encouraged me a long the way. my other two births i was fighting my body to do something it wasn't ready to do (labor) and this one it came and did it before i could even process it!

i have no wisdom about any of it - only that God is the God of childbirth. He, ultimately, brings forth life. i have had a baby brought into this world in an high stress hospitable environment, a peaceful hospital environment, and now a natural/birth center environment. God has been in each one. He has taught me something about who He was in each one. In the pain and confusion of the first, the frustration and His kindness in the second, and His pure, undeserved grace in the last.

the moments following were sweet. my dear friend kelly came and processed with me. i felt so loved and so calm. lucia and amos met him and i have never seen such joy on their faces at a new baby brother. i went home a couple hours later and we've been resting/bonding ever since.

ezekiel valdez cruz. 7 lbs 2 oz. 20.5 inches long. born at 5:04 AM on march 22, 2015

read about my first birth here: amos part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, and lucia 

Christmas, Christmas - Oh what a glorious time!!!

i look down upon two tired hands, made of flesh and bone.
so small, and so worn.
have worked for my own gain, and washed bottomless basins
over and over...
tending to that which will not last.
building up fortresses to my own kingdom.
marred by rejecting the lowing of a Creator
clapping along to the worship of my own renown an praises.

yet in an instant, behold, the hands so spotted and matted with dirt,
are the same hands that can hold the God of the Universe
born in a humble room
swaddled in a feeding trough
21 inches or so, breathing in and out the very air He spoke into existence.

All Power and All Glory,
wrapped up in skin, that smells the same as my own.
given as the Greatest Gift,
which fits within my very arms,
His head cradled in my hands.

what Love, to come bound by time and growth,
just as we had been.
subjected to the assistance of His own creation,
to hold up His head and feed His hungered cries.

is this the King of the Ages?
not sitting high and aloft, distant,
but entering into the mess and the war of His people.
fully acquainted.

taking on the sin of humanity 24 hours at a time,
through infancy, toddlerhood all the way until He could fully sympathize.
fully know His kin.
(yes, He welcomed us into His family,
those who rejected the Kindest of all Rulers,
the Humblest of all Kings)
walking until He overcame death.

peering into a newborn's eyes,
knowing He would complete it all.
33 years of perfection. walking blameless.
his hands, growing to touch the infected,
heal the sick, and raise the very dead.

hands to wash the feet of those He called friends,
to carry His cross to a hill upon which they would be pierced -
pierced for the dirty, and the lost, and the sinful.

all GLORY ablaze within this small child.
all BEAUTY raging within a babe.

hallelujah,
He is Worthy, to come and finish it once and for all.
hallelujah, Christ was born,
Christ died, and Christ rose again.
hallelujah, Christ shall come again.