so there are these people i follow on blogspot.
i've been following them since i was 18.
that's 5 years.


i would just randomly click on their myspace,
which lead to their flcker, which lead to their blogspot.


creepy? i dunno.


i kept doing it mostly to steal quotes
and their outfits fascinated me.


anyways,
they all moved away from each other.
grew up.


one, a girl who use to write about her love for Jesus,
and the beauty of communion and longing,
the glory of knowing Him,
and His invitation...


is now a lesbian living half way across the country, and believes God loves that she is fully who she is now.


another one lives and parties in NY for her job,
literally.
she is a socialite for a living.
she use to write about Jesus drawing her near...




another posts pictures and poetry and movie stills from the 1950s.
she is caught on camera at parties with cute mixed drinks and the latest new outfits.
sometimes she mentions Jesus, with regret in her syllables and allegories.


hmmmmmmmmm.




i watched little steps.
i read small words.
i saw the heart be overtaken.








i heard a sermon today by Dana Chandler. my heart got angry as she talked about His love for us,
because I don't feel loved.
and I don't feel loveable.


i repented.


her life goal, she stated, was to love God more tomorrow than today.
that she would not look back at her "fiery days of youth and zeal"


but only grow in
passion.








mike bickle use to say that the greatest mark of a man was he who never gave up
in silence
in slander
in a life that turns out so different than our 18 year old dreams.




i wonder.










some people claim i'm super uptight. with movies, with music, with this and that and this and that. you give too much you think too much you want too much you care too much.
i don't think they understand that it's my survival. i'm fighting a bloody war for my soul. that it would still say, "He is good and I believe."


that I would still say ,
"i count it all as loss."








anyways: it's harder than i thought.. just as they said. just as i see.