I have been featured on a lovely blog over at Margorat Madison Creative.
How exciting! Go check out her lovely blog... :)
4.21.2011
4.20.2011
2 of my favorite blogs.
I just wanted to share two of my favorite blogs.
the first is a photography blog and the second is a poetry blog.
rose & crown.
and also
in lou of it all.
the first is a photography blog and the second is a poetry blog.
rose & crown.
and also
in lou of it all.
like little broken feathers
that pull together so tight
like invisible fingers
touching silently in the night.
and when we first found eachothers eyes
for the first time,oh the first time.
i will love you. i will love you.
despite despite.
despite.
so i have this best friend.
and she's pretty much incredible.
and a little TOO beautiful.
and she visited me.
and here's some of her pictures, that i stole.
so ya.
go check out her beautiful, little blog!
-----
oh and vote for me today, if you so desire, because i would be oh so thankful. just 2 clicks! here!
and she's pretty much incredible.
and a little TOO beautiful.
and she visited me.
and here's some of her pictures, that i stole.
so ya.
go check out her beautiful, little blog!
-----
oh and vote for me today, if you so desire, because i would be oh so thankful. just 2 clicks! here!
4.19.2011
It's all about a wedding to come, It's all about a God that's a Lover.
the weekend was spent in bakersfield, california attending the wedding of two of our beautiful friends Kyle & Maria. Ricky has known Maria for 8 years, and I have known Kyle for 6. It is such a wonderful thing watching our friends fall in love, get married, and start families.
Her entrance was one of the most beautiful, powerful pictures of the Lord's love and return for us I have ever experienced. She came out at the climax of a song singing, "There's going to be a wedding. It's the reason that I'm living: to marry the Lamb."
Even typing it makes me tear up. Every time I watch a couple commit to love each other until death, and to be a picture of Christ and His church - to flesh out the gospel in the 4 walls of their home - I am ruined again with the love of Jesus. He never fails to remind our hearts: He is alive, He is in love, and He has chosen us.
Spending time with such kindred spirits is always bitter sweet. Reminds me of a what I wrote last summer during wedding season.
I'm thankful for the body of Christ, for the promise of a family that is eternal, and for romances that scream of a greater Love.
To God be the glory, amen.
4.12.2011
and in my weakness, He'll shine His strength
i find life is an impossible thing to be successful at. there is always a place i am failing. there is always a person i'm letting down.
this is a wearying path to walk. a clean home gives way to an alive minister gives way to a loyal friend gives way to a successful business owner gives way to a patient, serving wife gives way to an involved mother gives way to a well-read citizen gives way to a innovative cook gives way to a burning and shining lamp.
i don't say this for pity. i think every person falls into this category. as we juggle life, we must find the rubber balls that, when they are dropped, merely bounce. the glass ones we must continue to throw around and around, because their falling is more fatal. (thank you tm)
even though i have been married for almost 2 years, and living life rather closely with Ricky for 3 years - i still find days where i function as a single woman. even though i've been a mother for 5 months, i still find many moments where i function as a married woman who often functions as a single woman.
this can be a problem, as i'm sure you can assume.
i'm still an introvert who derives her energy entirely on alone time: time with the Lord and time processing life and bringing those processes out by some medium.
if i do not get moments alone, i become impatient, selfish, and irritable.
if i do get those moments alone, it lends time from which i would clean up the kitchen, make dinner, etc.
i remember mike bickle saying, as wives and mothers, the best thing we can do - the BEST THING - is to fast our time.
fasting is to give up something that is outwardly profitable and produces results. to fast money, is to give up my resources that i could use towards direct ministry, or my own needs, to create a space for God to come in and meet me in that need supernaturally. which then causes my heart to become more hungry, more dependant, more thankful, and more in love.
to fast food is to give up that which gives us energy, makes us more productive throughout the day, to allow the Lord to come and meet us in that gap - in that weakness.
to fast time is to give up moments, moments which seem invaluable, moments which could be given to a thousand different tasks that must be done. it is to give those moments, moments of worth, to the Lord to let him come. in this he reorders our lives, our priorities, and where we bring definition to our lives.
in this i find my value: that He longs to spend time with me, to speak to me, and to call me His friend. i am loved.
in this i do not find my value: my home, my mothering skills, my relationship with my husband, how i am perceived, etc.
and as i give homage and time to where i find my identity - i, by the grace of God, become a greater mother, wife, friend, daughter, homemaker, etc.
it's the simple concept of mary vs. martha, which we may have heard a thousand times - but the silent song of mary rings true even today. to martha, she who in the moment of his visitation was found busy serving him in the kitchen he says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things."
He then points to mary, she who was found sitting at his feet, listening to His Words, "but one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."
and yes, this can never be taken from me. and into this i shall lean.
this is a wearying path to walk. a clean home gives way to an alive minister gives way to a loyal friend gives way to a successful business owner gives way to a patient, serving wife gives way to an involved mother gives way to a well-read citizen gives way to a innovative cook gives way to a burning and shining lamp.
i don't say this for pity. i think every person falls into this category. as we juggle life, we must find the rubber balls that, when they are dropped, merely bounce. the glass ones we must continue to throw around and around, because their falling is more fatal. (thank you tm)
even though i have been married for almost 2 years, and living life rather closely with Ricky for 3 years - i still find days where i function as a single woman. even though i've been a mother for 5 months, i still find many moments where i function as a married woman who often functions as a single woman.
this can be a problem, as i'm sure you can assume.
i'm still an introvert who derives her energy entirely on alone time: time with the Lord and time processing life and bringing those processes out by some medium.
if i do not get moments alone, i become impatient, selfish, and irritable.
if i do get those moments alone, it lends time from which i would clean up the kitchen, make dinner, etc.
i remember mike bickle saying, as wives and mothers, the best thing we can do - the BEST THING - is to fast our time.
fasting is to give up something that is outwardly profitable and produces results. to fast money, is to give up my resources that i could use towards direct ministry, or my own needs, to create a space for God to come in and meet me in that need supernaturally. which then causes my heart to become more hungry, more dependant, more thankful, and more in love.
to fast food is to give up that which gives us energy, makes us more productive throughout the day, to allow the Lord to come and meet us in that gap - in that weakness.
to fast time is to give up moments, moments which seem invaluable, moments which could be given to a thousand different tasks that must be done. it is to give those moments, moments of worth, to the Lord to let him come. in this he reorders our lives, our priorities, and where we bring definition to our lives.
in this i find my value: that He longs to spend time with me, to speak to me, and to call me His friend. i am loved.
in this i do not find my value: my home, my mothering skills, my relationship with my husband, how i am perceived, etc.
and as i give homage and time to where i find my identity - i, by the grace of God, become a greater mother, wife, friend, daughter, homemaker, etc.
it's the simple concept of mary vs. martha, which we may have heard a thousand times - but the silent song of mary rings true even today. to martha, she who in the moment of his visitation was found busy serving him in the kitchen he says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things."
He then points to mary, she who was found sitting at his feet, listening to His Words, "but one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."
and yes, this can never be taken from me. and into this i shall lean.
4.11.2011
a little add in.
before i finish my story - i did want to add in some further thoughts.
1.) Giving birth hurts. It does, it hurts. But it's not an impossible task. My contractions without pitocin definitely hurt, but were very doable. Even my pitocin contractions were doable - and if it wasn't for the unusual length of my labor, i potentially could have made it through drug free.
I say that it hurts, because that is the reality of it. and I think I owe it to all women who have had babies (you are incredibly strong) and those who will have babies (you will be stronger than you ever thought you could be) to call it what it is.
2.) For the sake of story-telling, I'm adding in the interesting/dramatic parts.
3.) Though I got a little "panicky" and "stressed" by the 2nd midnight of labor, I don't know if I would characterize it as "fear" as many would interpret it. Yes, I was afraid of the next contraction - only because it was going to hurt. Who doesn't flinch at a baseball coming towards their face? I wasn't, however, afraid something was going "wrong" with my body - as it was doing what it's suppose to do! Contract to move Amos from the womb to the world. This was exciting, but not necessarily fun.
4.) Pitocin hurts, but in our case, it worked. It got him out. Do I wonder if avoiding it for longer and moving around more, positioning myself more, etc. would have also done the trick? Of course. But that doesn't negate the fact that the pitocin delivered me a baby. So for that, I gotta tip my hat to the old guy and maybe recant my demonizing. He's a hard worker, but I just wish I could have done the work by myself.
5.) All my doctors and nurses were incredible, except for our one encounter - and I'm sure she was just having a rough day. That was a disappointing situation, but does not take away from the kindness and patience of the others. I was never offered an epidural, per our request, and they were doing what they had been train to do. Use medicine/machinary to aide in labor. If something were wrong, those things would have caught it/helped it and for that I am thankful. Number 5 is a shout out to my nurse mommy, of course.
6.) The hospital was very "medicine-happy" but gave me a successful vaginal birth and a healthy baby boy. They also were there in case I didn't have enough energy to push him out and I needed an emergency c-section. Hospitals are good, but I will have to say not ideal for normal births.
7.) I will have more children. We hope to have at least 5. You know it is endurable if we would willfully choose to do it again. And I would, even if it ran the same course, if it brought me more Amos'. Babies are soooooo worth.
So women, you can do it. ;)
1.) Giving birth hurts. It does, it hurts. But it's not an impossible task. My contractions without pitocin definitely hurt, but were very doable. Even my pitocin contractions were doable - and if it wasn't for the unusual length of my labor, i potentially could have made it through drug free.
I say that it hurts, because that is the reality of it. and I think I owe it to all women who have had babies (you are incredibly strong) and those who will have babies (you will be stronger than you ever thought you could be) to call it what it is.
2.) For the sake of story-telling, I'm adding in the interesting/dramatic parts.
3.) Though I got a little "panicky" and "stressed" by the 2nd midnight of labor, I don't know if I would characterize it as "fear" as many would interpret it. Yes, I was afraid of the next contraction - only because it was going to hurt. Who doesn't flinch at a baseball coming towards their face? I wasn't, however, afraid something was going "wrong" with my body - as it was doing what it's suppose to do! Contract to move Amos from the womb to the world. This was exciting, but not necessarily fun.
4.) Pitocin hurts, but in our case, it worked. It got him out. Do I wonder if avoiding it for longer and moving around more, positioning myself more, etc. would have also done the trick? Of course. But that doesn't negate the fact that the pitocin delivered me a baby. So for that, I gotta tip my hat to the old guy and maybe recant my demonizing. He's a hard worker, but I just wish I could have done the work by myself.
5.) All my doctors and nurses were incredible, except for our one encounter - and I'm sure she was just having a rough day. That was a disappointing situation, but does not take away from the kindness and patience of the others. I was never offered an epidural, per our request, and they were doing what they had been train to do. Use medicine/machinary to aide in labor. If something were wrong, those things would have caught it/helped it and for that I am thankful. Number 5 is a shout out to my nurse mommy, of course.
6.) The hospital was very "medicine-happy" but gave me a successful vaginal birth and a healthy baby boy. They also were there in case I didn't have enough energy to push him out and I needed an emergency c-section. Hospitals are good, but I will have to say not ideal for normal births.
7.) I will have more children. We hope to have at least 5. You know it is endurable if we would willfully choose to do it again. And I would, even if it ran the same course, if it brought me more Amos'. Babies are soooooo worth.
So women, you can do it. ;)
Birth Story - PART 3. The Pitocin Demon.
this is what i would like to call: the dark night of the soul, or even better, the dark, dark, painful night of the pitocin demon.
that doesn't even give it justice.
to explain labor pain is trying to convey the emotions of a woman to a man. or marital love to a small child. or eternity to a human. we just don't have words for it if we have yet to experience it. i don't know about others, i've heard it feels like "cramps" or "back pain" or a really bad stomach ache. to that i say, "ha!"
i have a rather high tolerance of pain. i'm one of those people who always have the random ailment plaguing my body - the latter portion of my pregnancy gives you a good glimpse. i've had kidney stones, torticollis (a twisted neck thing), and food poisoning twice. if you could extract the pain from each of those situations, triple it, and pour into onto a person - it would still only be a half of the pain of my "pitocin contractions".
okay, that may be a little extreme. but it hurt. and the word hurt doesn't do it. i had never felt anything like them in my life.
now, i understand pregnant women may be reading this... or those soon to be pregnant. i want you to know, i think i may have experienced the more extreme version of labor pains. they were manufactured and augmented with back labor thrown in. the contractions by this point were coming in at a peak, and lasting very long, then ending with a 30 second break. (they vary very different from normal latent contractions).
by this point i was on the birthing ball, with ricky sitting on our hospital bed facing me. my wonderful doula, betsy, was behind me with a rice sack warmed and pressed against my lower back. as each contraction came i would literally scream/groan through each one right into ricky's face, and then collapse during my short break.
this is one of those points where i can truly say i wouldn't have made it through that night without my husband. to say i went through those contractions alone would be a lie. i don't think ricky has ever focused longer in his entire life, and i know it was horrific to see me in such pain. but the wonderful thing about my husband, is that he doesn't decipher pain as a horrible thing. i think as Christians, we've learned pain can be one of the most beneficial causes to a slew of wonderful effects. and so with each wave of pain, we knew it meant Amos was 1 minute closer to being in our arms.
as each contraction ended, i started entering into a real fearful phase, knowing the next one was only seconds away. you get the release of one being over, but as soon as you gather your breathe, you have to start mentally preparing for the next one to come. it truly is like the waves of the ocean, one comes in, subsides, and you can see a new one gathering on the waters in the distance. i would start saying to ricky in a panic, "i don't know if i can do another, i don't think i can do it." and he would take my hands, tell me i could do it, and encourage me to relax through it (i think that relaxing through these was near impossible, but it was comforting to hear him suggest it).
Around 2 AM I threw up. I think it was from such extreme pain.
At this point I had been going through pitocin contractions for 5 hours, and somewhere during this time a nurse came to check me. I don't have it recorded but I'm pretty sure I had only dilated 1 more centimeter, at 5 centimeters. This meant it took almost a 36 hours to only get halfway. When I heard this news I really entered into panic/stressed mode, and felt incredibly defeated.
On top of this, my heart rate was decelerating, which i don't think was too serious - but the hospital would make me lie down and put an oxygen mask on my face. i could handle the contractions if i was on the birthing ball, bouncing, vocalizing through them, holding onto ricky, and moving through them. when i was on the bed, however, it was a different story. because it was back labor, i think laying down doubled the pain. it was near impossible to get through them, and i think i was crying the entire time, grabbing the side bar, and screaming/groaning. on top of this i had wires hooked up to me and a face mask on.
by the time i was back on the birthing ball, and facing ricky, it was around 2:30 AM. in between each contraction i started to tell Ricky i couldn't do it anymore, i honestly could not do it and i needed an epidural.
the main reason i finally came to this decision was the fact i was still progressing so slowly. if i had been at 8 or 9 i think the end would have been in site and i could have fought through it, but at this point there was no guessing how long my body would have to contract to get this little guy down and out. later we discovered he was turned in the wrong direction coming down, and his head was being forced again a bone inside. he really WASN'T progressing much, and the best thing we could have done was moved around to get him situated down. that was no longer possible, due to the pitocin/hook ups, and so the hours had turned into days.
i also was beyond exhausted. the last time i had slept was saturday night and we were now into monday night. between each contraction my eyes were rolling back in my head and i felt as if i was going to pass out. pile on top the fact i was emotionally unstable due to extreme lack of sleep.
our goal was a natural birth with no pain medication because it is the best kind of birth. it's the safest and most beneficial for both mom and baby. our higher goal was avoiding a c-section. i think at this point, if i had continued, i would not have had enough energy to continue through the next hours of contractions (which ended up being 17 more) and the pushing (which ended up being very difficult and long). to take an epidural was worth gaining a vaginal delivery. i wasn't thinking this clearly, of course, but now that i look back i'm thankful to God it ran the course it did to save me from the impending c-section.
i told ricky i needed one, and he of course responded telling me i could do it, take it one contraction at a time, etc. this was because i had told him to do this, and under no circumstances to let me get an epidural. it took a good 10-15 minutes for me to convince him that i truly needed one and i literally could not handle anymore. i had been in labor for 34 hours, and on pitocin for over 5 hours.
we prayed some, and during this time my most precious memory of my labor was created. i remember so clearly ricky holding me, looking into my eyes, and tearing up watching me be in so much pain and have to wave my white flag of surrender. we didn't know why it was taking so long, why it was going the way it was, and i know ricky was so sad that i had to give up to what i truly did not want. on top of it, all we wanted was to meet our son, and for him to be okay. i think in those moments it was as if everything around us disappeared and it was our on little family, in our first true moment of hardship together. i don't know how to explain it really, and for this i am thankful i went through what i did for so long - because it never would have climaxed to such a space in time for us.
we finally asked the nurse to bring the anesthesiologist - and from here on out i kinda when crazy. once i had asked for it - the waiting for it to actually come seemed like forever. i think from the moment i asked, to the moment it started working was over an hour. i was so terrified of the epidural and hurting amos. i know it is so extreme and irrational - but you have to remember my current state - rationality had become an inability.
i was crying, begging the anesthesiologist to not mess up and not hurt my baby. i was praying to God, very loudly i might add, to protect amos and protect me. and apologizing to everyone, God, myself, and man that i was getting an epidural.
and he then had me lean over and shoved that horribly long, terrifying needle down my spine.
oh and if you've been reading our story, perhaps you could vote for our blog here:
it only takes 2 clicks!!!! and you can vote daily. ;)
that doesn't even give it justice.
to explain labor pain is trying to convey the emotions of a woman to a man. or marital love to a small child. or eternity to a human. we just don't have words for it if we have yet to experience it. i don't know about others, i've heard it feels like "cramps" or "back pain" or a really bad stomach ache. to that i say, "ha!"
i have a rather high tolerance of pain. i'm one of those people who always have the random ailment plaguing my body - the latter portion of my pregnancy gives you a good glimpse. i've had kidney stones, torticollis (a twisted neck thing), and food poisoning twice. if you could extract the pain from each of those situations, triple it, and pour into onto a person - it would still only be a half of the pain of my "pitocin contractions".
okay, that may be a little extreme. but it hurt. and the word hurt doesn't do it. i had never felt anything like them in my life.
now, i understand pregnant women may be reading this... or those soon to be pregnant. i want you to know, i think i may have experienced the more extreme version of labor pains. they were manufactured and augmented with back labor thrown in. the contractions by this point were coming in at a peak, and lasting very long, then ending with a 30 second break. (they vary very different from normal latent contractions).
by this point i was on the birthing ball, with ricky sitting on our hospital bed facing me. my wonderful doula, betsy, was behind me with a rice sack warmed and pressed against my lower back. as each contraction came i would literally scream/groan through each one right into ricky's face, and then collapse during my short break.
this is one of those points where i can truly say i wouldn't have made it through that night without my husband. to say i went through those contractions alone would be a lie. i don't think ricky has ever focused longer in his entire life, and i know it was horrific to see me in such pain. but the wonderful thing about my husband, is that he doesn't decipher pain as a horrible thing. i think as Christians, we've learned pain can be one of the most beneficial causes to a slew of wonderful effects. and so with each wave of pain, we knew it meant Amos was 1 minute closer to being in our arms.
as each contraction ended, i started entering into a real fearful phase, knowing the next one was only seconds away. you get the release of one being over, but as soon as you gather your breathe, you have to start mentally preparing for the next one to come. it truly is like the waves of the ocean, one comes in, subsides, and you can see a new one gathering on the waters in the distance. i would start saying to ricky in a panic, "i don't know if i can do another, i don't think i can do it." and he would take my hands, tell me i could do it, and encourage me to relax through it (i think that relaxing through these was near impossible, but it was comforting to hear him suggest it).
Around 2 AM I threw up. I think it was from such extreme pain.
At this point I had been going through pitocin contractions for 5 hours, and somewhere during this time a nurse came to check me. I don't have it recorded but I'm pretty sure I had only dilated 1 more centimeter, at 5 centimeters. This meant it took almost a 36 hours to only get halfway. When I heard this news I really entered into panic/stressed mode, and felt incredibly defeated.
On top of this, my heart rate was decelerating, which i don't think was too serious - but the hospital would make me lie down and put an oxygen mask on my face. i could handle the contractions if i was on the birthing ball, bouncing, vocalizing through them, holding onto ricky, and moving through them. when i was on the bed, however, it was a different story. because it was back labor, i think laying down doubled the pain. it was near impossible to get through them, and i think i was crying the entire time, grabbing the side bar, and screaming/groaning. on top of this i had wires hooked up to me and a face mask on.
by the time i was back on the birthing ball, and facing ricky, it was around 2:30 AM. in between each contraction i started to tell Ricky i couldn't do it anymore, i honestly could not do it and i needed an epidural.
the main reason i finally came to this decision was the fact i was still progressing so slowly. if i had been at 8 or 9 i think the end would have been in site and i could have fought through it, but at this point there was no guessing how long my body would have to contract to get this little guy down and out. later we discovered he was turned in the wrong direction coming down, and his head was being forced again a bone inside. he really WASN'T progressing much, and the best thing we could have done was moved around to get him situated down. that was no longer possible, due to the pitocin/hook ups, and so the hours had turned into days.
i also was beyond exhausted. the last time i had slept was saturday night and we were now into monday night. between each contraction my eyes were rolling back in my head and i felt as if i was going to pass out. pile on top the fact i was emotionally unstable due to extreme lack of sleep.
our goal was a natural birth with no pain medication because it is the best kind of birth. it's the safest and most beneficial for both mom and baby. our higher goal was avoiding a c-section. i think at this point, if i had continued, i would not have had enough energy to continue through the next hours of contractions (which ended up being 17 more) and the pushing (which ended up being very difficult and long). to take an epidural was worth gaining a vaginal delivery. i wasn't thinking this clearly, of course, but now that i look back i'm thankful to God it ran the course it did to save me from the impending c-section.
i told ricky i needed one, and he of course responded telling me i could do it, take it one contraction at a time, etc. this was because i had told him to do this, and under no circumstances to let me get an epidural. it took a good 10-15 minutes for me to convince him that i truly needed one and i literally could not handle anymore. i had been in labor for 34 hours, and on pitocin for over 5 hours.
we prayed some, and during this time my most precious memory of my labor was created. i remember so clearly ricky holding me, looking into my eyes, and tearing up watching me be in so much pain and have to wave my white flag of surrender. we didn't know why it was taking so long, why it was going the way it was, and i know ricky was so sad that i had to give up to what i truly did not want. on top of it, all we wanted was to meet our son, and for him to be okay. i think in those moments it was as if everything around us disappeared and it was our on little family, in our first true moment of hardship together. i don't know how to explain it really, and for this i am thankful i went through what i did for so long - because it never would have climaxed to such a space in time for us.
we finally asked the nurse to bring the anesthesiologist - and from here on out i kinda when crazy. once i had asked for it - the waiting for it to actually come seemed like forever. i think from the moment i asked, to the moment it started working was over an hour. i was so terrified of the epidural and hurting amos. i know it is so extreme and irrational - but you have to remember my current state - rationality had become an inability.
i was crying, begging the anesthesiologist to not mess up and not hurt my baby. i was praying to God, very loudly i might add, to protect amos and protect me. and apologizing to everyone, God, myself, and man that i was getting an epidural.
and he then had me lean over and shoved that horribly long, terrifying needle down my spine.
oh and if you've been reading our story, perhaps you could vote for our blog here:
it only takes 2 clicks!!!! and you can vote daily. ;)
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