i find life is an impossible thing to be successful at. there is always a place i am failing. there is always a person i'm letting down.
this is a wearying path to walk. a clean home gives way to an alive minister gives way to a loyal friend gives way to a successful business owner gives way to a patient, serving wife gives way to an involved mother gives way to a well-read citizen gives way to a innovative cook gives way to a burning and shining lamp.
i don't say this for pity. i think every person falls into this category. as we juggle life, we must find the rubber balls that, when they are dropped, merely bounce. the glass ones we must continue to throw around and around, because their falling is more fatal. (thank you tm)
even though i have been married for almost 2 years, and living life rather closely with Ricky for 3 years - i still find days where i function as a single woman. even though i've been a mother for 5 months, i still find many moments where i function as a married woman who often functions as a single woman.
this can be a problem, as i'm sure you can assume.
i'm still an introvert who derives her energy entirely on alone time: time with the Lord and time processing life and bringing those processes out by some medium.
if i do not get moments alone, i become impatient, selfish, and irritable.
if i do get those moments alone, it lends time from which i would clean up the kitchen, make dinner, etc.
i remember mike bickle saying, as wives and mothers, the best thing we can do - the BEST THING - is to fast our time.
fasting is to give up something that is outwardly profitable and produces results. to fast money, is to give up my resources that i could use towards direct ministry, or my own needs, to create a space for God to come in and meet me in that need supernaturally. which then causes my heart to become more hungry, more dependant, more thankful, and more in love.
to fast food is to give up that which gives us energy, makes us more productive throughout the day, to allow the Lord to come and meet us in that gap - in that weakness.
to fast time is to give up moments, moments which seem invaluable, moments which could be given to a thousand different tasks that must be done. it is to give those moments, moments of worth, to the Lord to let him come. in this he reorders our lives, our priorities, and where we bring definition to our lives.
in this i find my value: that He longs to spend time with me, to speak to me, and to call me His friend. i am loved.
in this i do not find my value: my home, my mothering skills, my relationship with my husband, how i am perceived, etc.
and as i give homage and time to where i find my identity - i, by the grace of God, become a greater mother, wife, friend, daughter, homemaker, etc.
it's the simple concept of mary vs. martha, which we may have heard a thousand times - but the silent song of mary rings true even today. to martha, she who in the moment of his visitation was found busy serving him in the kitchen he says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things."
He then points to mary, she who was found sitting at his feet, listening to His Words, "but one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."
and yes, this can never be taken from me. and into this i shall lean.