happy birthday baby.

i have been wanting to do one of these surprise balls ever since i saw them on this blog. ricky's birthday was fast approaching, and we were about to go on a huge 2 week family vacation days after - so we had a tight, tight budget. i wanted to do something memorable and cheap.

so amos and i hopped in the car and drove to target. we picked up smaller items - a lot were found in the party favor section. we came home and i wrapped it. each item had a corresponding note. most were so absolutely corny, that as ricky kept finding them he'd respond with, "good one, babe!" hahaha. the whole experience was really fun.

an example of the message was a "i'm still so 'nuts' for you." with a small packet of cashews. and some were a little PG-13 rated, too. ;)

i even included some small animal creatures with messages from amos, and some encouraging words from some of our friends.

it was so much fun, and such a mess - and i think it was really unexpected. amos had a blast playing with all the craziness after ricky was done - it took about 30 minutes of unraveling!

the gospel at 25.

the california sun is setting, and i'm driving along the urban roads
driving, and surprising myself with some moments of solitude
no singing toddler, no sound board of a husband -
just me, the air carried from the ocean, city lights, and the Spirit.

and my thoughts start going,
in stanzas, pauses and punctuation,
rhyme and inflection
poetry scrolling behind my eyes. 

the beauty of an introvert, i suppose.
the curse of a mother who is, again, an introvert.
suffocating in shallowness and a rushed, rushed rumbling within
until moments of aloneness are found. 

forgetting until the silence, the pause, allows me to remember.

the wonder of it all.
the ache of the heart.
the climb towards heaven crashing into earth.
for good and forever.

i just forget to put on those lenses in the busyness of the day.

you know, it's crazy. crazy that i'm 25. a quarter of a century.

and it's even crazier i am a married woman. a mother.

i have this man, beside me - becoming the backdrop to all my most recent memories,
the ones i can still smell, that i can still taste -
times before him seem so distant, so unreal.
as if he was always there, always warm beside me at night,
always coming home in the evenings to fill the room.

and i have this child, who is turning into a boy right before my eyes.
a boy with a will and opinions. with personality and uniqueness.
someone, day by day, moving away from being a piece of me
as those things that tether us get cut one by one.

no longer a helpless babe, coddled in my arms, sustained by my flesh.

i'm a woman. a real, grown-up woman.

and time keeps passing. the sun shines, the leaves fall, the cold comes, and it's all reborn again.

as soon as this cycle ends, another begins.
the train doesn't stop. it has no stations. we're going until we reach the other side.
no pausing.
no turning back.
just watching days fold into nights and again and again.
watching marriages grow old with tenderness and trial.
watching boys become men.

i'm always struck by the concept of time, this brevity we find ourselves within,
when i peer inside my journal.
"2 weeks have really passed since I last wrote?"
it can't be. 

Ricky and I are reaching 3 years together.
It seems so unreal, as if only yesterday I was alone, dreaming about love,
clinging to Jesus in all my loneliness - in all my want.

and now here i am. in the midst of it all.

and i'm remembering rolling down hills by the creek in my neighborhood as a child.
catching fireflies in our hands and watching the clouds play peek a boo with the stars.

saturdays sitting on my bed, learning to hear from God.
late nights crying, being struck by His vastness. His hugeness. His beauty.
my own utter depravity.

weaving in and out of friendships, being stamped by each one.

leading me to here. this moment.

i'm doing so many things wrong, little things though they may be.
so weak. not as much how i dreamt my heart before God would be 5 years down the road.
i imagined i would be a lot more patient, a lot more kind, a lot more conformed to His image.
i fumble, daily. i waste moments - to find myself one year older and still falling.
still crying out for a hotter fire in my bones. a deeper love in my heart.
weeks pass before i pause.

and i still
thirst.
i still hunger.

and i'm still running. i'm still believing. and i'm still trusting it's by His grace I am saved.
not my pathetic efforts, that seem so much more pathetic as time passes.

i'm still in need. i'm still unable. i'm still the crippled needing to be carried to His table.

years do not make me more glorious. experience does no lend a hand to my holiness.
it's only by His blood, His precious blood - I am saved and made whole.

the same gospel, the same power that as a child gave me a new heart, transforming a cold rock into real blood and flesh. that same gospel, that same power that comforted my broken heart, that carried me through suffering - that power is sustaining me, working within me even today.

and at 25 i declare, "hallelujah, You are my only hope."
and as i grow old and feeble, so many mistakes behind me, i will declare, "hallelujah, You are my only hope."







the cross before me, the world behind me.
no turning back. 
no turning back.

these glorious moments

An afternoon at the beach...

Courtney, whose been living with us for a month and a half, stays in that corner of our living room. :) it's such a sweet spot, and i'm thinking of leaving it to become a reading nook for Amos and a great spot to spend time with the Lord. we have to figure out about all of Amos' toys though...

Courtney makes me aeropress iced caramel lattes every morning. have you tried an aeropress? it's an amazing, cheap alternative to an espresso machine!

amos loves coloring now - so, so much!

he loves to wake up and look for planes and birds.

amos with his new backpack for our cruise and trip to new york at the end of the month with ricky's family.

hanging out with shades during a time out.

amos getting his second haircut. he did great this time!!!

amos and a fishy.

He's got a lil' rhythm. :)

not much to say, just sharing some moments. :)

springtime.

and so it is, my little boy grew sick again. yes, again.
but we made it through, much quicker than last time, thank you Lord.

it's been a sweet gift, that arising from the long nights, unending projects, and sickly boy
a fresh sprinkle of rain from God onto my weary heart.

a remembering, if you will - a revisiting.
reading old journals, and closing my eyes to see, to feel, to even touch those moments with the Lord.
lonely afternoons sitting on my bed, the afternoon sun slicing through the blinds onto my bible.
praying small prayers. crying real tears. asking and receiving.

sleeps that took me, like a train from my place to the next, and hopping off into a world of dreams,
straight from heaven. of things to be, and of times to come.

His nearness. in the night.
His nearness. in the day.

reading bits and pieces from journals, not knowing what they meant but hearing the words, "oh tiffany, and it shall be like this..."

and then, it being as He said.

things coming to pass, things that seemed like chaotic ramblings - and reading them to say, "wow, and it was as He said. He is true. He is working."

God has brought such illumination and such context to the past 3 years. 3 years of desert. of much silence. of warfare. of confusion. not that is was bad, for the goodness of God was covering like a blanket all the outward parts of my life.

but inward, felt cold and shuddering. a grasping, as if like one lying on the bed reaching for the lamp in the dark, to find nothing. nothing. only stale air from yesterday.

"what am i doing wrong?" i would wonder.

but now, now, it all makes sense. i see the years for what they were. a true rebirth and a repositioning. learning, through the silence, how to come under my husband. in my poverty of spirit, finding the richness in the process of dying. watching my husband be given a voice, and step into true leadership - and I (even if unwillingly) taking such a backseat. dying to my own dreams, my own glories, my own ambitions - even that which was good and that which was holy. but in His silence, i was made silent - and my husband began to roar like a lion.

and it's good. this place. this learning. offering my love to the Lord, not in the ways I was use to, but in the small tasks, the small, the unglorious, the mundane - that which requires faith to believe it's a worthy gift - unto His glory.

but i feel a shifting, as if Ricky has grown in a tree, and myself, a mere seed in the ground (for life comes from the dying of another) is in the perfect conditions to bloom.

i feel empowered to reread the vision. i feel motivated to cling to the promises. i feel propelled into a place of contending. these things are good, in their time and in their season.

it is time.
it is the season.

with that being said, i feel a real call to share much on this blog. i will of course still post the moments i have with my family, but i also want to give anyone the opportunity to also enter into my journey. some of you may not even know Jesus, or know that He speaks - even now. some may wonder what it is this all means, but i ask you - if you want - to continue to wonder and ask and listen. He is speaking even to you.

amen&amen.

time.

Oh my gosh. Has it been this long? What a whirlwind of an introduction to spring. Sickness piled on top of sickness.

And so we have crawled out of the pneumonia crisis. Amos is breathing fine, and it was relatively and easy recovery. The chiropractor has helped immensely.

I have so much to say, as it always seems. So many memories I haven't captured, amidst the buysness and craziness. So many lessons unjournaled and transformations, of my rapidly growing toddler, and of my own heart left to be documented. I need to pause time. Take a breath. Hold onto Amos as a little boy, who still fits around the curve of my stomach.

But, alas, I can't. Time keeps on moving. Time as a mother, and time as a sojourner.

I've been reading through old journals from the months before I met Ricky. Confession is, I have been a terrible journaler since moving to San Diego. Terrible. I tell myself these will be remembered as the silent years, as I hope it to never be that way again.

And in this looking back, it seems absolutely ridiculous how the time has flew by. Only moments ago I was a little girl, whose worries were within the realm of one person - no husband to follow, to son to rest on my hip. How different my interactions with the Lord were, and how small my troubles now seem.

And here I am with a little boy. I don't really have many conclusions within this overwhelming weight of the brevity of life - of the quickness this all goes by.

It just reminds you to keep living, and to live well.

It's funny to think where I thought I'd be by this time, specifically in the realm of my relationship with the Lord. We'll see what this next season holds. I feel the breath of promise, of newness, of settling back into some of the old ways He use to speak. I miss those times, greatly.

Amos helping with dying Easter Eggs. Days before he got pneumonia. ;(

pneumonia - no thank you.

It's pretty crazy that my last post (before my north/south/west post) was about the glories of crawling out of a sick cave with a sick baby.

My absence is due to (COUNT THEM) not one, but TWO bouts of sickness that have hit our home. That's 3 times in 6 weeks. It has probably been some of the most trying moments as a mother. So discouraging and squeezing cries of "help us, Lord" from my weak and exhausted frame.

After Arizona Amos contracted the stomach flu, which was then passed to myself (and my extended family here). I tried to take care of Amos while feeling the sickest I have felt since... I can't even remember. I didn't eat for 4 days, Amos didn't eat for four days. We had a fever and our body was ridding itself of everything within in it was horrible. It also seems like a distant memory from our most recent situation.

A week or so after that had cleared up, Amos developed a pretty unrelenting cough, followed by a low grade fever. I knew it was from some post nasal drainage (which I attributed, perhaps, to teething) and wasn't planning on taking him in for it. By this past Thursday night he was coughing so much, to the point of almost throwing up. He was also wheezing and laboring to breathe.

We took him to urgent care, and they suggested an x-ray. I HATE x-rays, and Amos especially hates x-rays but Ricky encouraged me to go ahead with it - just in case there was something more serious. Lo and behold, he had a the early stages of Pneumonia. Uhhh, I hate even saying it. Little Amos has fluid filled lungs.

After that we did a lot of breathing treatments, a lot of resting, a lot of Sesame Street and naps propped up on 2 pillows. We did shower steams, and lung pats. On Friday evening we took him to a pediatric chiropractor, and saw immediate results in his energy, ability to sleep, drainage, and cough. He seemed to be on the rise, but after a recent examination it seems his lungs are still as filled with fluid and congested as when he was first diagnosed. He is not coughing as much as he should be - which is pretty discouraging. The chiropractor has helped his breathing, though.

With all that said, I would love some prayer. Thankfully my dear friend Courtney as been living with us for the past 2 weeks and has literally been a shining light of the kindness of the Lord. Running on barely any sleep (thankfully I am now caught up), last week she cleaned and disinfected my home, cooked me meals, made me lattes, and just brought the presence of the Lord into our home. Even her moments of entertaining Amos have brought rest. I am so grateful to the Lord for knowing what I would need to get through this time.

Sickness is horrible. I hate it. I just hate it.

While all this was happening, I got this random infection thing on my lips (my lips were one huge crust - it was repulsive), which has spread on my face. It is clearing up, but I have now developed an itchy, horrid rash on my legs.

Ricky attributes this all to stress, which I wouldn't be surprised. I currently do not have health insurance as Ricky's work would charge us $400+ a month to be added to his plan.

It's interesting, the trials the Lord takes us through. I was sitting in worship on Sunday, thinking of how the Lord disciplines and develops us. It is always his kindness. Always his father heart that takes us through difficult times. Even in the midst of exhaustion, worry, and itchy skin - I feel my heart being more prone to cry out to the Lord. For His help. For His presence. For His mercy. And even more, for His coming leadership on the earth - when he makes all things new.

Motherhood is difficult. I don't always talk about those things. I love it, yes, but it invites us into these struggles... not just of tiredness or worry - but of this THING, this unrelenting THING of... busyness. I think. I can't really find the word. It's the concept of laboring for rest. It's so hard to find. There are brief moments, of rest (not just in your body, but in your heart) that as soon as they arrive, are snatched out from under you. It's like you enter into a marathon you can't quit.

How much more do we need the rest that comes from the gospel Jesus has offered? How much more do we need to take on the light yolk Christ gives to us through His blood? How much more do we need communion with Holy Spirit to abide... even to survive?

And so, the OVERWHELMING NATURE that is motherhood - this trial, cloaked in the face of a beautiful boy - is such a gift from God. An invitation to cling, like never before, to the hope and peace Christ offers.

And so, that's why I've been away. I have much more to say. Thoughts have been ruminating within my little soul as I've been doing the daily tasks. Hopefully I can find pockets within the day to express them. Thanks for sticking around.

Amos doing a breathing treatment... :(

Sicky boy

On his way to the chiropractor - pneumonia baby.

Fell asleep with Courtney on the way...

north/south/west

l // my friend courtney is visiting/living with us, and it's really made the day to day a lot more fun. we have been taking almost daily walks (long walks) to eat lunch outside at the park. amos has been coming along for the ride too. 2 // these are some gems from our our neighborhood. 3 // on saturday we have tried to fly a kite, which is pretty impossible if you aren't by the beach - but it was a fun attempt.

 take a peek of life right now in the north and south.