i'm still a horrible blogger.

but i am trying.
trust me.


and so it is 2011.

this is me. i am drinking a glass of half water/half apple juice. it's 10:42 pm and i am still awake as my precious son sleeps all swaddled up in his crib, and my husband is passed on on his stomach sprawled on our white buttoned comforter.
i am awake to steal some moments for my soul. my little soul.

that it would sing, and trust in the Lord.

enter photo:

life is beautiful. but it's hard to see the beauty when you never open your eyes.
and that's why i am sitting at my little desk, in my little apartment, past my bedtime.
i have quite a hard time seeing unless i am alone.
so here i am.
alone.

this weekend has been an act of mercy to my soul.
to my inner man.
he that seems to slumber so easily.
he that feels dull and comatose.
he that i ask to be awakened.

the past couple days i have been reminded...
by a friend whose known me through seasons,
another whose heart is tender towards the Lord,
by the growth of my dear Amos,
and the humble confrontation of the Mr. himself.

i am reminded of the promise.

&&&so
i THOUGHT loving God would become easier with time.
obedience and wholeheartedness and innerjoy would be like a stock pile,
which i accumulate over time.
ending at 96 or 97 years of age with mounds and mounds and mounds.

but i've learned that the faithful few,
the perservering saints,
the longsufferers,

are just that... few, perservering, and longsuffering.

NOT because He isn't good, because He is. always.
but because the wait to behold Him grows from days to weeks to months to years,
to decades. DECADES.

Still waiting, with the glimpses here and there,
but still hungering,
still lovesick,
still.


(and even to the grave they awaited the promise)

trial and tribulation mar one's past,
oppurtunity among oppurtunity allows for bitterness,
numbness, disillusionment.

the man or woman at age 30, 40, 50 and on who says,
"and still I love Him, and still I thirst."

This is a testament to the seal of the Holy Spirit,
and the grace of God Himself.
and the UNrelenting heart of God.



and even as I write, the prayer room plays telling me what I can fail to remember,

"I could run away,
but You would never leave,
You would always stay right by my side."


and hallelujah, He'll come for me.