spinal taps=no! the flu, & and a silly thing called fear.

well, hello. i know it's been awhile and i've been missing in action. it's been an emotional/overwhelming past couple of weeks and thus, i took an unintentional blogging hiatus.

this past wednesday my little started with congestion that lead to a nasty cough and a pretty high temperature. it started on wednesday, which i think leads me to believe he got it from another little kid during church. it's so hard when your child keeps getting sick in "daycare" like situations. the only thing amos attends is on Sundays for 45 minutes to an hour - the children's service, and then every other week I attend a mother's group at our old church that has childcare for the kids. About every third time he gets a cold, and this past time it was the flu. I know there's little way to avoid this, and especially because he stays home with me, he's more likely to catch something in the few times he is in the mix with other children, and over all it's good - because it's building his immunity. i think i am becoming more and more cautious about taking him into these situations (scanning noses, listening for coughs, etc.). i know mother's don't always know their children are contagious yet... even so, it can be so frustrating. at the same time, i don't want to limit amos' interaction with new and diverse children out of fear of illness. i have to remember the Lord is wise in His caring for him, and He is sovereign even over the smaller and larger sicknesses.

anyways, by Thursday evening he had a temperature, and by Friday evening it shot up to 104. i try to avoid Tylenol on both low grade, and normal fevers - and gave him some when it got to 104 and took him to urgent care. by this point amos was so lethargic (yet still responsive) and just laying around on us. he was VERY clingy (the most i've experienced since he was a newborn), and the doctor told us to watch him and if his fever didn't go down by Sunday to call.

now, to explain the next part of the story, i have to tell you amos isn't vaccinated. i know this is a very heated debate, and a very emotional issue - especially from parents whose children have gotten some of the more common "vaccinated illness" such as pertussis and meningitis. in deciding to not vaccinate, i have really had a hard time going back and forth. i am not convinced (and pretty much disagree) autism comes from vaccination, and a lot of my decision comes from a moral standpoint of the origin/creation of vaccinations. and if i decide to vaccinate amos one day (or he decides) then he can. but i can't go the other way around. so for now, breastmilk are his vaccines. ;)

if you have vaccinated, that is great - and i really pray your children have no ill side effects. if you didn't vaccinate, that's great too - and i pray your children don't have to go through a "vaccinated illness." either camp, i believe has to trust the Lord to protect their children and have grace (and mercy) on their parental decision. it's so hard. being a parent. i felt that weight this weekend. so many choices with such varied and unexpected outcomes.

and so on friday the urgent care doctor gave us a lecture about amos not being vaccinated (always happens) and therefore potentially having contracted bacterial meningitis. she told us if his fever doesn't go away by sunday he will need a spinal tap.

uhhhhhhh. i'm not sure why on earth she felt it necessary to tell a sleep deprived mother with a clingy, feverish child such a statement. it would have been kind to wait until we brought him back in (if it came to that) on Sunday. being that amos is not vaccinated (and even if he was) i have educated myself on what to look for regarding meningitis. but the mention of it as a mom holds her glazed over child took me for a spin.

just the mention of it really made the next couple of days really hard on me. for some reason, i got really, really paranoid in my heart. amos was the sickest i'd ever seen him - and now after riding it out and realizing it was just the flu - it doesn't seem as intense as it was in the moment. when you are forced to trade your normal, energetic, humorous toddler for a sleepy, crying, refusing to eat toddler - it's just really emotional (and scary).

i spent friday night crying to ricky about how much i love amos, and verbalizing these sudden irrational thoughts about him going deaf or dying. honestly, i am not a naturally anxious person, but it was really oppressive the sort of thoughts i was having.

i prayed for him, and meditated on psalm 34. i checked his fever every 15 minutes the entire weekend, searched his body for rashes, and bent his head down to his chest over and over. i was less fearful, after friday night of the side effects of meningitis, as that night i finally got peace from the Lord that it wasn't that - but then i got fearful of his flu symptoms running a longer course and having to make the decision to do a spinal tap or not. i mean, who on EARTH wants their child to go through a spinal tap. i could barely watch amos get x-rays or an IV, let alone watch nurses hold him down while they shove a tube into his spinal fluid.

ricky was very calm throughout the weekend, and reminded me that - worse case scenario, if his fever doesn't subside over 5 or so days - he will get a spinal tap and he can be treated or we can be assured it's nothing serious. i told him i wouldn't be able to go, and he'd have to take him - and just the thought was really overwhelming me.

it's interesting, when your kids get sick, the journey it takes a mother on. you leave your normal day to day - you lose track of time. you are just waiting for the symptoms to pass, for the normal toddler to return... the little trials you faced before they were sick - like crying for a cookie he sees, or a bite of your ice cream... disciplining their overly energetic antics (like standing on the furniture or hitting)... even the refusing the nap and teething spouts... when they are sick, and i mean, just laying there staring sick, all you want are those trials again.

over the weekend, i started having even more anxious thoughts:


wondering if i could handle bringing more babies into this world that you love so intensely, just to face the future of their own decisions to sin and be hurt and make mistakes... and even to be taken from me in some tragedy.

thinking through scenarios of what could happen to amos - how i would feel, how i would react, the pain it would bring.

and it's so unnecessary, these thoughts, but i think most of us go through them every once and awhile. our mother and father's growing ill, unable to remember, or a myriad of other things. husbands in car crashes. babies not waking up in their cribs.

but they come. they come, and in some seasons you are able to easily dismiss them proclaiming over such fear the Sovereignty and Beauty of the leadership of Jesus.

and then other seasons, where your spirit seems emaciated, or it's just plain spiritual attack, thoughts like these, weaved with anxiety and lack of faith seem almost overwhelming. i found myself here, even if only for an evening or two, and it was horrible.

and thankfully, amos climbed out of the flu, like most babies do. he is back to his normal baby self. the past couple days have been a lot of readjusting to normal life, as i think he tasted what it was to be "spoiled" for a couple days. he sat and watched sesame street and wonder pets with his mom pretty much ALL day (as that's all he could muster to do, lay there) and was confused when he couldn't demand "eh-moh!" or "ming-ming!" and get exactly what he wanted. he set the record for time outs yesterday, and had to remember what it was like to play with his toys and read books (and not hit himself or the floor or his mom when he didn't get what he wanted). (sidenote: not that TV is altogether bad. if your child watches TV i am in no way judging you because my child doesn't watch TV. it's easy for me to watch hours of TV, and if i've learned anything - you tend to inherit your parents vices - so i'm trying to set him up for success.)

anyways, i feel like i could process more. like how my encounter of a spirit of fear (something i've had a battle with in different forms over the years - the main being demonic/terrors in the night) and how the following days amos woke up screaming and pointing to random corners of our house saying a word i couldn't understand. how after we prayed and plead the blood of jesus over our small apartment he suddenly calmed down, went to sleep and hasn't done it since. like these decisions we have to make as mothers, and how it's so INTENSE. they don't prep you. like how i need to detox from busyness and from connectivity and really engage Holy Spirit on a new level. to be His friend and hear what He's saying. how the Word is Christ, but the Spirit was why it was good that Jesus went away. like how i need them both.

and i will talk about those things eventually. for now, i'm going to wrap this up. it's pretty much vulnerable ramblings. the kind i would go on about if my best friend was sitting across the table with me at a coffee shop holding a latte and intently shaking her head in understanding. that kind of rambling. the kind that once you process you walk away saying.

my life is in His hands.
my son is safe and sound.
He is finishing the good work He began.
i've not been given a spirit of fear.
we will overcome.

so ya, i feel better. thanks friend. ;)

right before we took him to the doctor's on friday night - with a 104 temp. :(

waiting for dr. came back to life when we got there. is it just me, or does this always happen to you when you take your ill child in to be checked on? he always acts 10x better when we get there for the doctor. ha.

sleeping with a fever.

would love a vote from you today! thanks for sitting and listening. ;)