amos 1 day old.

for blogging memory sake:

gnome head.

my little gnome asleep on my chest while i try to get some last minute Christmas things done!

the joy of giving!

 i've had lots of fun wrapping presents! there were so many, i had to be efficient - but i still wanted to add some tiffy flair!!! i'm so excited Christmas is almost here!!!

the mrs.


kale chips

today we pass the time by making kale chips!

1.) buy your delicious, nutrient packed kale
2.) wash, dry and pull it off the stalk
3.) mix up a bowl with some olive oil and kosher salt
4.) hand toss your kale
5.) spread on a cookie sheet and sprinkle with any seasoning you prefer
(garlic powder, Parmesan cheese, chili, etc.)
6.) bake for about 10 minutes at 350-375.
7.) eat alone or with ketchup.

waiting around.
waiting around.
waiting around.

when you think you can't possibly get more pregnant, you do.


this is me waiting around to go to my hundredth doctor's appointment in the last 3 weeks.
i've become a regular.
who woulda thought.

that's my husband, who came home for lunch to eat a pb&j sandwhich
taking a mighty snooze on our antique, dark green couch.

praying my levels are up, as symptoms are back...
i'm already getting better at this updating thing!!!!


blessed be the name of the Lord.

ricky v.


so i'm obviously the most horrific blogger.
maybe now that i'm officially off work, and officially into
"stay at home mom" mode (minus child)
i'll become a little more successful.

updates are:
my precious little amos is due on monday!
(though my hospital calculated wednesday, but oh well to that)
there has been much drama surrounding these last 3 weeks of pregnancy.

i broke out in a horrific all over body rash, that was lending me 1-2 hours of sleep a night.
i was diagnosed with a condition that has terrifying side effects for baby.
talk of induction at 38 and 39 weeks was in the air...

it was ROUGH.

but thankfully, all has settled, prayers have been heard, and the pregnancy train is back to normal.
baby can come on his own time (before 42 weeks of course)
and i can mentally gear up to have this baby (pain med free!!!)

i've been enjoying life with my husband more than i ever ever have.
even if i'm the size of a whale, and i waddle next to him as we make our weekly trips to target and ikea,
as we pass time by doing this and that, talking about what we think parenthood will be like.

i think pregnancy is one of the greatest gifts a marriage can be given.
two lives, joined together, begetting life. it's like the trinity.
their love and fellowship - their oneness - produced life... US!
it's in our DNA and it's so satisfying.

i mean, don't get me wrong, our first year of marriage was unforgettable.
but there is a sweetness that can only come in giving over yourself, your time,
even a little bit of your dreams to raise up someone whose life will go past your own.

i'm sure mothering and fathering will increase the joy of marriage even more.

and so we may not get to backpack europe,
and so my body may never look as it did pre-baby (it's a truth),
and maybe our evenings will turn to less about us and more about someone else.

but isn't that ministry? isn't that the gospel?

i read a PERFECTLY dictated blog about adoption (and children in general)
you can find it here.
he states it all so much better than i could myself.

to bring someone into this journey of finding Jesus...
calling on His name,
partnering with Him in these last days.

as a family.

wow, I'm so honored. so excited!

i can't wait to make more babies and adopt more babies,
and maybe team up with a house of prayer,
and continue in this thing God has given me.

that's enough for now!

here's a little pic of my big ol' belly!


You made me with Your hands, and this is by grace. Amen.

I’m always super emotional on my birthday…
My heart is tender,
My eyes are quick to tear,
And the Holy Spirit is felt brewing within.

But how can one not be?

Today I was brought into the world, because of the grace of God.
I was willed into existence, and it was not by the ultimate choice of my mother or father
I was born with breath in my lungs, and it did not have to be so.
Yet, He desired that I would be,
And that I would be with Him where He was.

He made me and brought me in.

He apprehended my heart,
He taught me His commandments,
He spoke to my heart,
He gave me goodness and blessing,
He wounded me with Love.

And it did not have to be so.

For I’m a creation to a Creator.

Which is a glorious thing to remember…

That today I’m still alive, I’m still in the fold, I’m still in love
Because He said so, and because He first loved me.

And now, the same absolute miracle of the weaving together of a soul,
Is happening within the womb of this woman of mud and dirt.

Creation begetting more creation

Because the Creator wills it.

And we are not just pawns, but eternal souls.
I was made, and the minute He said so, I would live forever.
Not a passing thought, or a piece of history, but an ETERNAL BEING.

The act of being given life is more than a vapor of 70 years,
More than family, and marriage,
and children, and ministry.

It is to be dreamt up in the heart of God to live forever and ever,
To have no end…

So even if 24 was the last I would ever see,
It would only be the beginning
Because I was made, ultimately, to be with God in fellowship FOREVER.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah, worthy is the Lamb.
And thank you Father, for a chance to be given the gift of life on this side, and the next.



missing the midwest.

greenery all over.
thunder storms
october grey skies.
a fall that is the closest thing to eden.

miss you miss you miss you.

but then who doesn't love having the beach 10 minutes away?

photos from here


PROJECT: almost amos.

Every hour, besides those I am at work (or sitting in church, etc.)
I will take some picture to document these last minutes of a 2 person family.
It may be one picture or 15.

No flattery to me nor my life.

Just memories.

[our canon is back from the shop, so there’s no excuse]

while this was going on, i was in michigan wishing the Lord had called me to IHOP rather than the Honor Academy.

who knew the calling would lead me to my bestest friends, and father to my son.

come on people, He's sovereign AND He's good.

[we didn't know eachother existed]
i'm realizing the time that we are in, and sometimes the burden seems so big.

               abortion, homosexualtiy, post modern mindsets... all realities of society.

His desire if for these ones... i know that, but most don't want to listen.

i think i am supposed to tell them... but i don't know how.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.

isaiah 35:8

and there are still more thoughts...on the future, but it's His purpose that will prevail, so i will choose to trust.

[r.valdez 07.19.2005]
this whisper is calling, drawing me away

logic cantradicts it

but shallow logic does not satisfy me anymore

past the outer courts, among the coucil of the Godhead

by no means am i there, but i know that path, i know the way

that leads the the fullness of the knowledge of God...

thats what my heart longs for, thats what i want them to know...

[r.valdez 08.25.2005]
"Let him who does wrong continue to do wrong; let him who is vile continue to be vile; let him who does right continue to do right; and let him who is holy continue to be holy."

"Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

"Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the tree of life and may go through the gates into the city."

let us be ones who interpret the times we are in...

awaken the watchmen...

[ricky.valdez sept.01.2005]
Writing about love was so easy before I met you.
Romance could be traced by words – and it made sense, or so I thought
Because you know everything at 19.
Because you know everything about love before you find love.
Because we are so wise in our own eyes, huh?

Now a few catchy lyrics can’t even touch this.
This thing.
Because it’s real now. It’s actually alive.

Sometimes I watch it breathe, chest up and down.
I imagine its lungs filling, and letting go –
The heart full of love blood.
Pumping to every part.
Pumping to run and eat and walk and kiss.

[we don’t even know what we got yet]

Now pretensions are washed away,
Like cut off callouses down the drain.

And love is functionable.

Functionable for something to grow outside of ourselves,
From within our sewn together skins.

But it’s better this way.

I love you, yes.
Your temple smells the sweetest in the morning sun.

one for my wall please

A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret
in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out.
That which dominates our imaginations
and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character.
Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship,
for what we are worshipping we are becoming.

-ralph waldo emerson


Like a carpet beneath these feet
Shaggy rug, shaggy green.
The house of the beetle,
The floor for the trees.

A sponge to the sun,
A pillow for thy head,
The mossy, grassy runway
Walk run trot and tread

There little lady
Make a bed in the grass
Wrap yourself in ivy
Dream until you laugh

Up up up it reaches
The sun calls its name
Lady lost in greenery
Asleep in the hay

Fists of dirt
Ants for shirts
Rain water as afternoon tea

Songs of the sun
Rumplestiltskins pun
Awaken her so tenderly

Laaa laaa la.


as in the days...

So the story of angels sleeping with daughters, and giants were brought forth
And strange breed. A strange breed indeed.
And the arc was built, and the arc was made.
Wood to wood to wood to wood, stuffed with animals like a bag of seeds
Noah and his family, noah and his sons, noah and his women, saved from the flood
Look up high, water from the sky, noah, dear noah, your redemption draws nigh
Floating on the waters, floating in the storm, floating with the bodies suffocated and torn
Baptizing the earth, cleansing its sin

It’s the sign of what’s to come,
It’s the sign of what’s to come
It’s the sign of noah’s days all over again.

As in the days…

As in the days…

As in the days…


Oh to be wounded with the wound of the feeling few
I live inside my head and heart and so do you
My spirit breathes deep, and I cry out the same
This well runs down down low, and the waters are alive

Deep screams to deep screams to deep screams to deep

This is a gift of those tortured with eyes wide open
Many sleep, many sleep, but we, my friends, are the company that burn
I’m alive, and never consumed, I’m alive, and never to ashes, I’m alive and the flames
Lick up all that’s dead within, and makes me alive, makes me alive

Sons and daughters, bow before the king,
His crown is eternal, and on us He breathes.

Selah, the rest for the soul.
Look in the mirror, my dear, and see your bones,
They are made of letters and words and nouns
Your spine a lyric or two
Your ribs a sonnet
Your hips a limerick, a rhythm, a rhyme.

Bend, whirl, crouch, and lean –
Out comes the roar of a lion in the form of pages pages pages
Sing them out, spew them on the reflection.

Little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.
Shake shake shake them out,
A pile of skin, muscle, ligament, and water
All on the floor, all on the floor,
A puddle of little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.

Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.

Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.

Follow the Lion, follow the king,
Give what you can, let love sigh.
Sing broken choruses, pull out words on a string

To lean is better to stand,
To lean is better to stand.

dear adam

Sometimes when you sleep, I pretend I know what you dream
Sometimes when you’re so still, I touch your face to see if you’ll awake
I lay my hand on your forehead, and pray for the Lord to come.
Because you are my Adam, and I’m your Eve.
You had an ache, and the missing bone became me.
We laugh inside the garden, and play hide and seek
Because you are my Adam and I’m your Eve
And neither of us have yet to know the fall.
Neither of us have yet to know what it is to die.
You and He are all we see. Peace with each other and with Him we have peace.
And that’s what you do, that’s what you do.
Bring me closer to home.
I grasp my little rib, and know it was once your bone.
Friend, friend, we sit in silence, and the Holy Spirit comes out like a genie
From His brass cave.
He dwells between us. He sings within us. He’s all around, all around.
And we breathe in His smoke.
We asked and then He spoke.
I’d rather have the man on the tree, than the fruit off the tree itself.
Let’s do it different this time.
I’ll tell him no, and you’ll protect my little soul – and we’ll eat the Bread of Life.
Let’s do it different this time.
Dear adam, dear adam, dear adam

gen 1

Close your eyes, this is the fireworks of midnight dreams
Father, son, and spirit speaking life into being
Delight like a spark, delight in their own, delight was the sparkle
That sent the worlds into whirling, and brought the mountains forth.
Waters, and ivies, and eagles, and such
Sunshine, and starlight, foliage, and lush
Hanging on nothing, but the Word of His mouth,
The canvas of heaven, the north and the south
Bubbling gushing Euphrates and Nile
Eden, like a jewel, brought forth into life
The hospital room for the very first birth
The basinet of manhood and the cradle of his wife
A handful of dust, and a fistful of dirt
The spit of heaven, the saliva of God
Shhhhhh…… here comes oxygen oxygen oxygen
Straight from the Maker, straight from His lungsAdam stood. And Eve danced free.
Adam loved. Then Eve found the tree.
Adam, good morning,
Eve, good night.

Say hello to the first suicide.

Thank God it had only just begun.
Thank God it had only just begun.

I’ve rarely written anything of much vulnerability lately.
I’ve rarely written much on anything…

Well, that’s not true, I write tons of little things in little untitled message email boxes
While sitting at work –
But they rarely make it past that.

And anyways,
I thought I should share.
Because who doesn’t like a little raw soul,
A little bloody show,
A little exposure.

I love it.

My own, and others.

Reality, the dirt covered robes,
Worn on this pilgrimage,
Sing the sweetest songs.

And so here it is.

This morning I slept in.

I had my first dream straight from heaven in a long time.
Holy spirit whispering,

And I saw the precious face of this soul within my womb.

He was a man, and I was his mother…
And the world was in the chaos soon to come.

Our hope was His Coming, and you could smell its nearness in the air.

It was real, and I felt deep.

So on my way to work, I stopped by a beloved coffee shop
(the sanctuary for my soul to breathe)
Picked up an ice tea and read a chapter of “Spiritual Depression”
(a dear gift from the beebs)
And it was all about the conviction of our sinfulness, the work of the Father to pour out
His wrath of sin upon the servant-hearted Son, our glorious justification, and final hope in Christ.

And I had this memory, of my dear friend Britney Moore – now the beautiful Britney Chhangur,
When, before I really knew her, I heard her speak about the salvation of Jesus.
We had watched a video about a tribe finally understanding that salvation was through faith – and it was theirs for the taking.
These people all started jumping up and down like mad men and women in this great huddle screaming for joy.
They got it.

Britney went up afterwards and started weeping, in her tender-hearted Britney way, saying over and over, “We’re saved! We’re saved!”

The gospel is glorious.
The invitation is beautiful.

I, who have nothing good within me to offer man nor God,
A desperate sinner, loving self, lazy and confused…
I can be made whole, set free, eternally saved through the work of Jesus Christ.

And it’s more than a ticket to heaven,
As John Piper declares in his book (my ultimate favorite) Future Grace,
It is a ticket for grace to overcome EVERYTHING in this age…
Despair, despondency, anxiety, impatience, anger, lust…
My hope to live well and live full, to have enough money for tomorrow or be a successful mother,
To have joy and to be free,
To not be entangled by the darkness of sin,
To grasp and behold the glory of the Father,
To understand the Word, to serve my brother,
To actually live everyday – that grace, that EMPOWERMENT, that infusion of supernatural strength –
Is because of and entirely through Jesus Christ.

Now for us perfectionists…
The over analytical, introverts.
the first born, overachievers, dreamers,
Self-aware and journaling souls…

This is how we survive this age.

My worry ceases in the truth that all things will work for the good…
Death and my own brokenness, Suffering and delays in promises,
They are there to serve me, for my benefit – to make my life into something good.

And so on the final leg of my work journey,
The long interstates of san diego,
I wept, uncontrollably.

Because the Same Faithful God, who pours out the mercy He loves to give,
Who gave my soul the opportunity of amazing grace,
Saved me from hell, whispered to my heart his secrets at the tender age of 10 and 11…
Who stirred my heart to fall in love with the Bible in high school,
Who burdened my heart to intercession before I even knew what it was called,
Who opened my eyes to His Second Coming,
Who brought me the absolute greatest friends while residing in Texas,
Who kept me from certain men and SOVEREIGNLY brought me my beloved husband to Kansas city,
Who financially provided my entire season at IHOP where I didn’t get a job and just sat in the prayer room for 10 hours a day –
Who put life in my belly, got my husband through the most insane final semesters of college,
Who gave me a well-paying desk job where I get to listen to bible teaching 6 hours a day,
Who healed the hearts of my family, and who delivered me from NUMEROUS BONDAGES,

This God…
He’s the same, today, for me.
He has never done me wrong, ever.
He has never let me down, ever.
He has always come through, always always always.

I am saved – and this salvation cannot be stolen away…

He is good. What He does is good.
Salvation is beautiful.
Eternity will be glorious.
And the Son of God has stolen this heart.


I so often sit on my little computer at work,
This place which is my cave
And type little thoughts – here and there
Intending to do something with them…
Expose them to the world,
Yet they get lost in the mess of emails and busyness.

So I guess there is a good intention.

And writings, even if hidden in some obscure gmail folder,
Is still writing.

I suppose.

We found an apartment.
We have been in a little limbo for the past 2 months. Hiding out in Ricky’s sisters old bedroom in his parents home.
Stashing away some mad cash (saving 2 months of southern California rent is like obtaining a goldmine)
To cushion this transition from working girl to 24/7 momma.

Our place is a gem of all gems.
Tucked away in my favorite part of San Diego.
One block from a late night coffee shop with only couches and lounging chairs,
A cute shop that offers sewing lessons, and homemade ice cream store.

It’s large (for here)… has character and love, and the windows let in a breeze.

I find life is such a struggle to stay awake, alive, content, happy, free.
Maybe it’s not like that for everyone – but for me, it is.

I’m one haunted by glimpses that freckle the face of my past.
These glimpses are of things grander and greater than myself,
Than my world, than my job and my husband and my daily tasks.

It’s this One.

He’s alive, He’s roaring, He’s weeping, He’s shouting, He’s rumbling, and He’s Coming.

And I’ve had glimpses that blinded my little soul.

Moments where I exited here and entered there…
Mments where the mere memory causes tears to well up and my heart to ache.
Like a long lost lover than fled in the greatest moments of emotion.

When I met Ricky – he was a surprise to my little life.
I didn’t expect him, nor even want him to come inside this heart.

I had things set and planned and I was after one thing.
To touch that place again.

He knocked, and kept knocking, and I would shoo him away in my little soul
And declare my intention to never talk to him again day after day in my journal.

I would go to the prayer room and thoughts would float to this man in California.

And I would become enraged. ENRAGED.

He was inconvenient. He was rough around his edges were cutting through my bubble I had blown to secure my world.

But this thing within Ricky reached me deeply – and pulled me in, despite all intentions to keep my distance,
And that was there was something he had I needed.

I knew it. I knew it deep within.

I needed it, and so often I forget… so often I get lost in the ocean of apartment hunting, and baby registering, and grocery shopping, and file scanning, and all the other mundane that mark my life these days.

I forget when he comes home from work or asks me to iron his shirt or kisses my shoulder.

Even then I forget.

Ricky sings this little song with his life, with his being –
That awakens the beauty of the Lord in the mundane.
in the apartment finding, and baby preparing, and dinner making, and desk working.

His essence declares,
“He’s here, Tiffany, even here.”

Thank You Jesus.

This man was the gift I never knew I needed.


so yes.