Oh to be wounded with the wound of the feeling few
I live inside my head and heart and so do you
My spirit breathes deep, and I cry out the same
This well runs down down low, and the waters are alive
Deep screams to deep screams to deep screams to deep
This is a gift of those tortured with eyes wide open
Many sleep, many sleep, but we, my friends, are the company that burn
I’m alive, and never consumed, I’m alive, and never to ashes, I’m alive and the flames
Lick up all that’s dead within, and makes me alive, makes me alive
Sons and daughters, bow before the king,
His crown is eternal, and on us He breathes.
Selah, the rest for the soul.
9.13.2010
Look in the mirror, my dear, and see your bones,
They are made of letters and words and nouns
Your spine a lyric or two
Your ribs a sonnet
Your hips a limerick, a rhythm, a rhyme.
Bend, whirl, crouch, and lean –
Out comes the roar of a lion in the form of pages pages pages
Sing them out, spew them on the reflection.
Little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.
Shake shake shake them out,
A pile of skin, muscle, ligament, and water
All on the floor, all on the floor,
A puddle of little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.
Follow the Lion, follow the king,
Give what you can, let love sigh.
Sing broken choruses, pull out words on a string
To lean is better to stand,
To lean is better to stand.
Hallelujah.
They are made of letters and words and nouns
Your spine a lyric or two
Your ribs a sonnet
Your hips a limerick, a rhythm, a rhyme.
Bend, whirl, crouch, and lean –
Out comes the roar of a lion in the form of pages pages pages
Sing them out, spew them on the reflection.
Little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.
Shake shake shake them out,
A pile of skin, muscle, ligament, and water
All on the floor, all on the floor,
A puddle of little girl, little one, you are at the end.
You are at the end.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering.
Like a drink offering – they said He would be.
Follow the Lion, follow the king,
Give what you can, let love sigh.
Sing broken choruses, pull out words on a string
To lean is better to stand,
To lean is better to stand.
Hallelujah.
dear adam
Sometimes when you sleep, I pretend I know what you dream
Sometimes when you’re so still, I touch your face to see if you’ll awake
I lay my hand on your forehead, and pray for the Lord to come.
Because you are my Adam, and I’m your Eve.
You had an ache, and the missing bone became me.
We laugh inside the garden, and play hide and seek
Because you are my Adam and I’m your Eve
And neither of us have yet to know the fall.
Neither of us have yet to know what it is to die.
You and He are all we see. Peace with each other and with Him we have peace.
And that’s what you do, that’s what you do.
Bring me closer to home.
I grasp my little rib, and know it was once your bone.
Friend, friend, we sit in silence, and the Holy Spirit comes out like a genie
From His brass cave.
He dwells between us. He sings within us. He’s all around, all around.
And we breathe in His smoke.
We asked and then He spoke.
I’d rather have the man on the tree, than the fruit off the tree itself.
Let’s do it different this time.
I’ll tell him no, and you’ll protect my little soul – and we’ll eat the Bread of Life.
Let’s do it different this time.
Dear adam, dear adam, dear adam
Sometimes when you’re so still, I touch your face to see if you’ll awake
I lay my hand on your forehead, and pray for the Lord to come.
Because you are my Adam, and I’m your Eve.
You had an ache, and the missing bone became me.
We laugh inside the garden, and play hide and seek
Because you are my Adam and I’m your Eve
And neither of us have yet to know the fall.
Neither of us have yet to know what it is to die.
You and He are all we see. Peace with each other and with Him we have peace.
And that’s what you do, that’s what you do.
Bring me closer to home.
I grasp my little rib, and know it was once your bone.
Friend, friend, we sit in silence, and the Holy Spirit comes out like a genie
From His brass cave.
He dwells between us. He sings within us. He’s all around, all around.
And we breathe in His smoke.
We asked and then He spoke.
I’d rather have the man on the tree, than the fruit off the tree itself.
Let’s do it different this time.
I’ll tell him no, and you’ll protect my little soul – and we’ll eat the Bread of Life.
Let’s do it different this time.
Dear adam, dear adam, dear adam
gen 1
Close your eyes, this is the fireworks of midnight dreams
Father, son, and spirit speaking life into being
Delight like a spark, delight in their own, delight was the sparkle
That sent the worlds into whirling, and brought the mountains forth.
Waters, and ivies, and eagles, and such
Sunshine, and starlight, foliage, and lush
Hanging on nothing, but the Word of His mouth,
The canvas of heaven, the north and the south
Bubbling gushing Euphrates and Nile
Eden, like a jewel, brought forth into life
The hospital room for the very first birth
The basinet of manhood and the cradle of his wife
A handful of dust, and a fistful of dirt
The spit of heaven, the saliva of God
Shhhhhh…… here comes oxygen oxygen oxygen
Straight from the Maker, straight from His lungsAdam stood. And Eve danced free.
Adam loved. Then Eve found the tree.
Adam, good morning,
Eve, good night.
Say hello to the first suicide.
Thank God it had only just begun.
Thank God it had only just begun.
Father, son, and spirit speaking life into being
Delight like a spark, delight in their own, delight was the sparkle
That sent the worlds into whirling, and brought the mountains forth.
Waters, and ivies, and eagles, and such
Sunshine, and starlight, foliage, and lush
Hanging on nothing, but the Word of His mouth,
The canvas of heaven, the north and the south
Bubbling gushing Euphrates and Nile
Eden, like a jewel, brought forth into life
The hospital room for the very first birth
The basinet of manhood and the cradle of his wife
A handful of dust, and a fistful of dirt
The spit of heaven, the saliva of God
Shhhhhh…… here comes oxygen oxygen oxygen
Straight from the Maker, straight from His lungsAdam stood. And Eve danced free.
Adam loved. Then Eve found the tree.
Adam, good morning,
Eve, good night.
Say hello to the first suicide.
Thank God it had only just begun.
Thank God it had only just begun.
I’ve rarely written anything of much vulnerability lately.
I’ve rarely written much on anything…
Well, that’s not true, I write tons of little things in little untitled message email boxes
While sitting at work –
But they rarely make it past that.
And anyways,
I thought I should share.
Because who doesn’t like a little raw soul,
A little bloody show,
A little exposure.
I love it.
My own, and others.
Reality, the dirt covered robes,
Worn on this pilgrimage,
Sing the sweetest songs.
And so here it is.
This morning I slept in.
I had my first dream straight from heaven in a long time.
Holy spirit whispering,
And I saw the precious face of this soul within my womb.
He was a man, and I was his mother…
And the world was in the chaos soon to come.
Our hope was His Coming, and you could smell its nearness in the air.
It was real, and I felt deep.
So on my way to work, I stopped by a beloved coffee shop
(the sanctuary for my soul to breathe)
Picked up an ice tea and read a chapter of “Spiritual Depression”
(a dear gift from the beebs)
And it was all about the conviction of our sinfulness, the work of the Father to pour out
His wrath of sin upon the servant-hearted Son, our glorious justification, and final hope in Christ.
And I had this memory, of my dear friend Britney Moore – now the beautiful Britney Chhangur,
When, before I really knew her, I heard her speak about the salvation of Jesus.
We had watched a video about a tribe finally understanding that salvation was through faith – and it was theirs for the taking.
These people all started jumping up and down like mad men and women in this great huddle screaming for joy.
They got it.
Britney went up afterwards and started weeping, in her tender-hearted Britney way, saying over and over, “We’re saved! We’re saved!”
The gospel is glorious.
The invitation is beautiful.
I, who have nothing good within me to offer man nor God,
A desperate sinner, loving self, lazy and confused…
I can be made whole, set free, eternally saved through the work of Jesus Christ.
And it’s more than a ticket to heaven,
As John Piper declares in his book (my ultimate favorite) Future Grace,
It is a ticket for grace to overcome EVERYTHING in this age…
Despair, despondency, anxiety, impatience, anger, lust…
My hope to live well and live full, to have enough money for tomorrow or be a successful mother,
To have joy and to be free,
To not be entangled by the darkness of sin,
To grasp and behold the glory of the Father,
To understand the Word, to serve my brother,
To actually live everyday – that grace, that EMPOWERMENT, that infusion of supernatural strength –
Is because of and entirely through Jesus Christ.
Now for us perfectionists…
The over analytical, introverts.
the first born, overachievers, dreamers,
Self-aware and journaling souls…
This is how we survive this age.
My worry ceases in the truth that all things will work for the good…
Death and my own brokenness, Suffering and delays in promises,
They are there to serve me, for my benefit – to make my life into something good.
And so on the final leg of my work journey,
The long interstates of san diego,
I wept, uncontrollably.
Because the Same Faithful God, who pours out the mercy He loves to give,
Who gave my soul the opportunity of amazing grace,
Saved me from hell, whispered to my heart his secrets at the tender age of 10 and 11…
Who stirred my heart to fall in love with the Bible in high school,
Who burdened my heart to intercession before I even knew what it was called,
Who opened my eyes to His Second Coming,
Who brought me the absolute greatest friends while residing in Texas,
Who kept me from certain men and SOVEREIGNLY brought me my beloved husband to Kansas city,
Who financially provided my entire season at IHOP where I didn’t get a job and just sat in the prayer room for 10 hours a day –
Who put life in my belly, got my husband through the most insane final semesters of college,
Who gave me a well-paying desk job where I get to listen to bible teaching 6 hours a day,
Who healed the hearts of my family, and who delivered me from NUMEROUS BONDAGES,
This God…
He’s the same, today, for me.
He has never done me wrong, ever.
He has never let me down, ever.
He has always come through, always always always.
I am saved – and this salvation cannot be stolen away…
He is good. What He does is good.
Salvation is beautiful.
Eternity will be glorious.
And the Son of God has stolen this heart.
Amen&amen.
[08.09.2010]
I’ve rarely written much on anything…
Well, that’s not true, I write tons of little things in little untitled message email boxes
While sitting at work –
But they rarely make it past that.
And anyways,
I thought I should share.
Because who doesn’t like a little raw soul,
A little bloody show,
A little exposure.
I love it.
My own, and others.
Reality, the dirt covered robes,
Worn on this pilgrimage,
Sing the sweetest songs.
And so here it is.
This morning I slept in.
I had my first dream straight from heaven in a long time.
Holy spirit whispering,
And I saw the precious face of this soul within my womb.
He was a man, and I was his mother…
And the world was in the chaos soon to come.
Our hope was His Coming, and you could smell its nearness in the air.
It was real, and I felt deep.
So on my way to work, I stopped by a beloved coffee shop
(the sanctuary for my soul to breathe)
Picked up an ice tea and read a chapter of “Spiritual Depression”
(a dear gift from the beebs)
And it was all about the conviction of our sinfulness, the work of the Father to pour out
His wrath of sin upon the servant-hearted Son, our glorious justification, and final hope in Christ.
And I had this memory, of my dear friend Britney Moore – now the beautiful Britney Chhangur,
When, before I really knew her, I heard her speak about the salvation of Jesus.
We had watched a video about a tribe finally understanding that salvation was through faith – and it was theirs for the taking.
These people all started jumping up and down like mad men and women in this great huddle screaming for joy.
They got it.
Britney went up afterwards and started weeping, in her tender-hearted Britney way, saying over and over, “We’re saved! We’re saved!”
The gospel is glorious.
The invitation is beautiful.
I, who have nothing good within me to offer man nor God,
A desperate sinner, loving self, lazy and confused…
I can be made whole, set free, eternally saved through the work of Jesus Christ.
And it’s more than a ticket to heaven,
As John Piper declares in his book (my ultimate favorite) Future Grace,
It is a ticket for grace to overcome EVERYTHING in this age…
Despair, despondency, anxiety, impatience, anger, lust…
My hope to live well and live full, to have enough money for tomorrow or be a successful mother,
To have joy and to be free,
To not be entangled by the darkness of sin,
To grasp and behold the glory of the Father,
To understand the Word, to serve my brother,
To actually live everyday – that grace, that EMPOWERMENT, that infusion of supernatural strength –
Is because of and entirely through Jesus Christ.
Now for us perfectionists…
The over analytical, introverts.
the first born, overachievers, dreamers,
Self-aware and journaling souls…
This is how we survive this age.
My worry ceases in the truth that all things will work for the good…
Death and my own brokenness, Suffering and delays in promises,
They are there to serve me, for my benefit – to make my life into something good.
And so on the final leg of my work journey,
The long interstates of san diego,
I wept, uncontrollably.
Because the Same Faithful God, who pours out the mercy He loves to give,
Who gave my soul the opportunity of amazing grace,
Saved me from hell, whispered to my heart his secrets at the tender age of 10 and 11…
Who stirred my heart to fall in love with the Bible in high school,
Who burdened my heart to intercession before I even knew what it was called,
Who opened my eyes to His Second Coming,
Who brought me the absolute greatest friends while residing in Texas,
Who kept me from certain men and SOVEREIGNLY brought me my beloved husband to Kansas city,
Who financially provided my entire season at IHOP where I didn’t get a job and just sat in the prayer room for 10 hours a day –
Who put life in my belly, got my husband through the most insane final semesters of college,
Who gave me a well-paying desk job where I get to listen to bible teaching 6 hours a day,
Who healed the hearts of my family, and who delivered me from NUMEROUS BONDAGES,
This God…
He’s the same, today, for me.
He has never done me wrong, ever.
He has never let me down, ever.
He has always come through, always always always.
I am saved – and this salvation cannot be stolen away…
He is good. What He does is good.
Salvation is beautiful.
Eternity will be glorious.
And the Son of God has stolen this heart.
Amen&amen.
[08.09.2010]
I so often sit on my little computer at work,
This place which is my cave
And type little thoughts – here and there
Intending to do something with them…
Anything.
Expose them to the world,
Yet they get lost in the mess of emails and busyness.
So I guess there is a good intention.
And writings, even if hidden in some obscure gmail folder,
Is still writing.
I suppose.
We found an apartment.
We have been in a little limbo for the past 2 months. Hiding out in Ricky’s sisters old bedroom in his parents home.
Stashing away some mad cash (saving 2 months of southern California rent is like obtaining a goldmine)
To cushion this transition from working girl to 24/7 momma.
Our place is a gem of all gems.
Tucked away in my favorite part of San Diego.
One block from a late night coffee shop with only couches and lounging chairs,
A cute shop that offers sewing lessons, and homemade ice cream store.
It’s large (for here)… has character and love, and the windows let in a breeze.
I find life is such a struggle to stay awake, alive, content, happy, free.
Maybe it’s not like that for everyone – but for me, it is.
I’m one haunted by glimpses that freckle the face of my past.
These glimpses are of things grander and greater than myself,
Than my world, than my job and my husband and my daily tasks.
It’s this One.
He’s alive, He’s roaring, He’s weeping, He’s shouting, He’s rumbling, and He’s Coming.
And I’ve had glimpses that blinded my little soul.
Moments where I exited here and entered there…
Mments where the mere memory causes tears to well up and my heart to ache.
Like a long lost lover than fled in the greatest moments of emotion.
When I met Ricky – he was a surprise to my little life.
I didn’t expect him, nor even want him to come inside this heart.
I had things set and planned and I was after one thing.
To touch that place again.
He knocked, and kept knocking, and I would shoo him away in my little soul
And declare my intention to never talk to him again day after day in my journal.
I would go to the prayer room and thoughts would float to this man in California.
And I would become enraged. ENRAGED.
He was inconvenient. He was rough around his edges were cutting through my bubble I had blown to secure my world.
But this thing within Ricky reached me deeply – and pulled me in, despite all intentions to keep my distance,
And that was there was something he had I needed.
I knew it. I knew it deep within.
I needed it, and so often I forget… so often I get lost in the ocean of apartment hunting, and baby registering, and grocery shopping, and file scanning, and all the other mundane that mark my life these days.
I forget when he comes home from work or asks me to iron his shirt or kisses my shoulder.
Even then I forget.
Ricky sings this little song with his life, with his being –
That awakens the beauty of the Lord in the mundane.
in the apartment finding, and baby preparing, and dinner making, and desk working.
His essence declares,
“He’s here, Tiffany, even here.”
Thank You Jesus.
This man was the gift I never knew I needed.
[08.30.2010]
This place which is my cave
And type little thoughts – here and there
Intending to do something with them…
Anything.
Expose them to the world,
Yet they get lost in the mess of emails and busyness.
So I guess there is a good intention.
And writings, even if hidden in some obscure gmail folder,
Is still writing.
I suppose.
We found an apartment.
We have been in a little limbo for the past 2 months. Hiding out in Ricky’s sisters old bedroom in his parents home.
Stashing away some mad cash (saving 2 months of southern California rent is like obtaining a goldmine)
To cushion this transition from working girl to 24/7 momma.
Our place is a gem of all gems.
Tucked away in my favorite part of San Diego.
One block from a late night coffee shop with only couches and lounging chairs,
A cute shop that offers sewing lessons, and homemade ice cream store.
It’s large (for here)… has character and love, and the windows let in a breeze.
I find life is such a struggle to stay awake, alive, content, happy, free.
Maybe it’s not like that for everyone – but for me, it is.
I’m one haunted by glimpses that freckle the face of my past.
These glimpses are of things grander and greater than myself,
Than my world, than my job and my husband and my daily tasks.
It’s this One.
He’s alive, He’s roaring, He’s weeping, He’s shouting, He’s rumbling, and He’s Coming.
And I’ve had glimpses that blinded my little soul.
Moments where I exited here and entered there…
Mments where the mere memory causes tears to well up and my heart to ache.
Like a long lost lover than fled in the greatest moments of emotion.
When I met Ricky – he was a surprise to my little life.
I didn’t expect him, nor even want him to come inside this heart.
I had things set and planned and I was after one thing.
To touch that place again.
He knocked, and kept knocking, and I would shoo him away in my little soul
And declare my intention to never talk to him again day after day in my journal.
I would go to the prayer room and thoughts would float to this man in California.
And I would become enraged. ENRAGED.
He was inconvenient. He was rough around his edges were cutting through my bubble I had blown to secure my world.
But this thing within Ricky reached me deeply – and pulled me in, despite all intentions to keep my distance,
And that was there was something he had I needed.
I knew it. I knew it deep within.
I needed it, and so often I forget… so often I get lost in the ocean of apartment hunting, and baby registering, and grocery shopping, and file scanning, and all the other mundane that mark my life these days.
I forget when he comes home from work or asks me to iron his shirt or kisses my shoulder.
Even then I forget.
Ricky sings this little song with his life, with his being –
That awakens the beauty of the Lord in the mundane.
in the apartment finding, and baby preparing, and dinner making, and desk working.
His essence declares,
“He’s here, Tiffany, even here.”
Thank You Jesus.
This man was the gift I never knew I needed.
[08.30.2010]
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