and again we're here. You are beautiful.

O.M.

a text conversation between my friend tamara and i:

me: "I seriously feel like i am terrible at loving God."
tam: "like you feel distracted?"
me: "Ya and uninspired. And a Martha."
"Just a big ol' Martha"
tam: "I feel the same way..."

"but guess what? martha loved Jesus."



"and Jesus loved her."



      i've had a beautiful journey. a beautiful journey. as a young girl in the basement of my small church, located in an office building, i laid hands on a child and saw her be healed. i sat in a darkened room and saw visions of rushing waters and rivers of life and Jesus with me in them. i wept when His presence came. i laid in my bed and asked Him to tell me who I was - and He spoke.
     i felt the burning in my heart at friday night youth group meetings. i felt him calling me deeper. i learned to worship.
     i attended Sunday evening prayer meetings and hid in the corner by the sound booth and prayed for the prodigals. i learned to journal. i learned to pray. i learned to listen.
     i read jeremiah and wept. i read hosea and wept. i read john and wept. i read revelation and wept.
     i saw my leg healed before my very eyes. i saw gospel tracks multiplied in a backpack in a small city in thailand. i saw the Lord weep over a city - as words of promise fell like raindrops that the ground ate up.
     i met friends who felt as if they'd been sewn to my heart from the day i was born. i met my army. i saw my brothers. i laughed with my sisters.
     i visited the throne room, slouched on the stage of a church. i waited in the kitchen with one lit candle, asking for Him to walk into the room. i'd heard stories.
     i saw people i love be set free. be redeemed. be restored by the very hand of God.
     i met a man who caused the dull colors of my life to be brightened. his life sung the melody to my lonely harmony. i fell in love.
     i have lived all over. i have felt the lowest of lows, and the highest of highs. i've had nightmares. i've had dreams.
     i watched a prophet swell in my belly over 9 months and come into the world screaming for a king.  i've stared into his eyes and began crying with a love so deep, hearing the echo of a Father crying over me.
     i've had a beautiful journey. my journey, it is beautiful.

and so in it, i've loved well and i've been distracted. i've gotten busy. i've cooked many a meals in the kitchen - pots clanging and faucet running, when i should have been at His feet. i've wrestled with lesser lovers and made excuses. i've burned bridges in the name of Love. i've smelled his scent with the familiarity a betrothed would bring, and i've seen His shadow and felt far away. i've ached, i've yearned, i've been slayed with longing.

but still i love Him. it's weak. it's feeble. but, He promises, it is real.

and still He loves me. it is jealous. it's unrelenting. but, He shouts from heaven, it won't give up.

hallelujah, hallelujah. He's beautiful to me.